Living in the Breath
by Saintsavory
Summary: Alex discovers a new way of living after prison.
1. Chapter 1

Author's Notes: I'm slapping an OOC on this one, so if that's not your thing, please consider turning around. This story is told entirely from Alex's POV, which is a stretch for me. _The Waters_ is based on Esalen in Big Sur, so if you're curious about the setting, look it up on the interwebs. I will not be posting a chapter per day, so a little patience will go a long way. Perhaps the most difficult part about that will be that this is one of the slowest burns of any story I've written thus far. Thanks in advance for reading and leaving reviews!

* * *

As I unfurl a clean, white sheet and give it a quick snap across the bed, the wind catches a corner and it lands askew on the surface. I reach to untuck it, disappointed that my streak of making the perfect bed has come to an end.

"I'm a bit early, Alex, but I thought I'd make my way down here."

"Hi, Ruth." I smile at the older woman waiting in the entryway of the hut. "Give me two minutes."

"I thought my husband would be here by now." She looks behind her.

I finish dressing the bed and turn on the heated blanket, running my hand across the smooth, crisp surface.

"He went to the Balance of Spirit workshop, which was supposed to end 15 minutes ago."

"I've heard that's a good one." I flex my over-worked fingers. "Would you like to change into a robe?"

"I'm here, I'm here!" a man calls, jogging inside. "I had to talk to Dr. Eisen after the workshop. It was fantastic."

The woman tiptoes and kisses his cheek. "Glad to hear it, honey."

"Who gets the first rub-down?" he asks with a clap.

I shrug. "Up to you."

The couple bickers about who should get the first massage, and I give them a moment to figure it out. I glance out the Western opening of the hut as the sun is about to set. This view never gets old. The tall cliff we're perched on is angled towards the Pacific, and I get to watch the waves roll onto the shore every day. The sky usually isn't this cloudy, but it makes for a glorious evening as the sun dips towards the horizon. It's amazing what I've come to appreciate after being behind bars for eight years.

* * *

"Inmate Vause, your time is up."

I'd waited five long, mostly miserable years to hear those words, and I knew they'd come that particular day, but they didn't register.

The correctional officer leaned forward. "Vause? Did you hear me?"

I stood, blinking a few times, hearing the two women in my bunk say words of congratulations and good luck, but I felt numb, like my brain wasn't telling my body how to react.

"You want an armed escort?" the officer asked, taking a step forward.

"No." I look at the small cell that I'd called home for too long.

He jangled his keys as he turned to walk down the corridor. "Let's get a move on."

I followed blindly, staring at the bag with all my belongings that my bunkmate must have given me seconds ago. I looked back once more to see a few women waving, one shooting me the middle finger, and I smiled.

In less than an hour, I'd be a free woman, but I had no idea where life would take me.

* * *

Ruth lays face down on the table, I make sure she's comfortable, and then I proceed. "There are health benefits to getting massages, as you probably know, but to give or receive a massage from someone you love is even more restorative." I motion for the husband to go to the other side of the table. "Put your hands here, like this. We'll start by asking Ruth to take three deep breaths."

This is the end of a week-long workshop for medical practitioners that had been booked for almost a year. The guests were kind and generous for the most part, though some never seemed to shed their uptight, skeptical attitudes about what we do at The Waters. I found myself more drawn to the doctors' spouses this week, who seemed more open to self-care and healing practices than their husbands or wives.

Tomorrow, we'll begin a series of workshops focusing on the New Year and keeping resolutions. I've learned which workshops or times of year attract the most open-minded people, and early January is the easy winner. The New Year brings a fresh start and making promises everyone intends to keep; there's a sense of peace after the hustle and bustle of the holidays. When that kind of energy flows at The Waters, it's a magical place, and I find my own inner peace and calmness right along with the guests.

When I finish my fifth massage workshop of the day, I head home in pitch blackness, aware that these are the shortest days of the year, and six o'clock in the winter feels like ten o'clock in the summer.

My roommate, who is also my quasi-girlfriend who brought me to this place, is reading in the living room.

I take my shoes off at the door. "Hey."

She doesn't look up from her book. "Hi."

I open the refrigerator as if somehow, food might magically appear. "We really need to go to the grocery store."

"You know how I feel about grocery stores."

"We can't rely on leftovers from The Waters or the produce that we grow in the winter months, Kaia." I pull out an apple, taking a big bite. "I'm going to the store tomorrow. If you want anything, write it down."

She peeks over the top of her book. "Promise me you won't buy meat."

I haven't eaten meat in nearly a year, and I've been craving a cheeseburger like nobody's business. I don't dare mention that to Kaia. I don't reply at all, in fact. I go to my bedroom, flip on the space heater, and listen to the _2 Dope Queens_ podcast. Although I've embraced my life at The Waters, I haven't fully succumbed to living and breathing _nothingness_ like many of the employees do, so in the absence of owning a television, I've started listening to podcasts that remind me how most of the world lives—how I lived before prison.

As I listen to the deadpan chemistry between the hosts, I open the trunk at the base of my bed and go through some of the contents. Every day for the past month, I've pulled out between three and five items and reflected upon each. Some have brought me joyful memories, while others have made me cringe. I don't know what possessed me to begin this journey down memory lane, but since Thanksgiving, I've been drawn to my past. The things in my trunk go all the way back to grade school, but they're in no particular order. Since my mother's death, it had been stored at my aunt's house, gathering dust in the basement, and when I was released from prison, I retrieved it but hadn't opened it until recently.

Tonight, I reach inside and pull out three items, the first of which is a friendship bracelet that Marcy Johnston gave me in sixth grade. I try tying it around my wrist, but it's far too small. It had been the first gift anyone other than my mom had given me, and I cherished it, frayed ends and all. The next is the novel, _Esperanza Rising,_ by Pam Muñoz Ryan. I read the back cover, recalling instantly why I liked the book so much, but I can't remember if I read it in fourth or fifth grade. I stop the podcast in favor of a hymn by Peter Kater and read the first chapter, smile touching my lips at the simple prose. Before I place the book back in the trunk, I notice a stamp on the spine: _Property of Einstein Middle School_. I laugh, wondering if it was the first thing I'd ever stolen.

The next item is a glossy brochure for The Goring Hotel in London, and the first thing that comes to mind is the person who snuck it into my suitcase a lifetime ago. Although I try, I can't prevent the smile that tugs at my lips when I think of Piper. She'd read an article about The Goring in the Emirates Airlines magazine and went on ad nauseum about it for a month. When we passed through London that spring, she insisted upon touring the outlandish hotel while I met a client. She'd returned with a brochure, making me promise to take her there before we departed Europe that time around.

It's not the first time I've thought about Piper since having seen her eight years ago in prison. We had a falling out after the incident in Chicago, and I was transferred from Litchfield to Rosemont not long after, unresolved feelings like a barricade between us. I wrote 15 letters to her after my transfer, all of which went unanswered, and I'd heard through the prison grapevine that six months later, she was released.

I sit on the floor, back propped against the footboard and think about the eight years we were initially apart before I sent her to prison. Back then, I was young and daring, throwing caution to the wind. I did drugs and drank more than my share of alcohol. There was one week when I slept with a different woman every night to try to dim the pain of Piper leaving after my mom died.

As the song changes to another relaxing melody, I close my eyes, trying to decide which time was more difficult—the eight years _before_ running into each other at Litchfield or the eight years _after_. I haven't let myself dwell on thoughts of Piper, so I go with the pre-prison time as the most difficult. Now that I'm 40-years-old and have managed deep change within myself, I don't let the past bring me down. I banish negative thoughts and remind myself to live in the present and appreciate the past if for no other reason than a learning experience.

But sometimes, when I'm alone in my room or relaxing in the hot springs with no one else around, I allow thoughts of her to enter my mind. I try to focus on the happy times in our 20s and even the few joyous moments we shared in prison, but inevitably, bitterness creeps in. Even though we weren't on speaking terms when I was transferred, the last thing I told her was that I loved her and that would never change.

To be fair, it didn't. I've come to terms with Piper's inhabitance of one corner of my heart, but she doesn't have it all. In fact, I fell in love with Kaia shortly after I was released from prison…well, as in love as I've been with a woman other than Piper. Kaia is the one who introduced me to the healing power of massage and ultimately convinced me to become a certified massage therapist. She's the one who persuaded me to move across the country in pursuit of self-discovery and healing. Somewhere along the way, I fell out of love, but it had nothing to do with Piper.

Nothing.

I stand, looking for a particular book on my shelf, The Goring Hotel brochure tucked back into the trunk. I find the book and open it to the center where I've kept a picture hidden. It's old and fading, but it's the only photographic evidence I have of our relationship. Hell, it's the only photo I have of _her_. Someone had taken it at a tequila bar in Acapulco—my head is tossed back as I laughed at something she'd said, and she's smiling down at me. She wore a purple bikini underneath a white linen shirt, which only served to make her look ten times tanner than me. Her hair was tied in a messy ponytail, and I remember we'd had sex minutes before we went to the tequila bar. I could still taste her on my lips.

I've had a lot of sex in my life, but nothing compares to sex with Piper. When she looked at me, her eyes turned dark, and I wondered if she was trying to see my soul. Prison sex was even more passionate, and there were times when I thought we'd make it through those horrible years just by loving each other, eventually coming out on the right side of our relationship. She'd asked a poignant question in our first few months together at Litchfield about inevitability, and I still wonder if there's some truth to that, though my optimism has faded after eight years.

A light tap on the door startles me. "Alex?"

I jump back like I'd been caught red handed. "Hmm?"

"I'm going down the hill to Kat's cabin. Wanna come?"

"I'm good," I exhale.

"Ok, see you later."

I lean my head back, neck extended, and close my eyes, trying to remind myself to live in the present. The only problem is that I see Piper's blue eyes and radiant smile. I open my eyes, returning to the picture in hand. I sniff it as if that will allow me to take in the scent of her. I know it's foolish, so I take one more long look, and then stuff it back into the book, placing it back on the shelf.

* * *

I haven't needed an alarm to wake up in almost two years. No matter the time of year, birds chirp loudly in Big Sur as the sun is about to rise. If I listen carefully during high tide, I can hear waves crashing against the shore, and I'm always eager to begin another day of freedom.

I take a quick shower, and then join Kaia in her bed. It's been a month since we've had sex, and after thinking about Piper last night, I'm feeling more sexually charged than usual. During our first year as a couple, Kaia and I were exclusive, but as time ticked on, we agreed that there was no need to define what we were to each other. I can live with blurred lines with her; I could never do that with Piper.

I'm happy with Kaia. Really, I am.

* * *

On days when we're beginning a new set of workshops, the mornings are all about cleaning and preparing to welcome new guests. We all pitch in to get The Waters back in order, and I'm in charge of our two indoor massage rooms as well as the outdoor massage hut.

Today, I'm feeling particularly happy after having had my first orgasm in a while, and I know it'll be a great day. I see a line of people getting off the bus and marching towards the reception area. We're booked solid this week, which means more work and more money for me. The money has become far less important over the years—I don't travel often and I live simply. I've saved a pretty penny in case this isn't what I want to do for the rest of my life. And maybe it isn't. Maybe I'll move to Malaysia or Rome or back to New York. I don't have a plan for the future, and I'm perfectly fine with that.

"Morning, Alex." Priya, our lead yoga instructor greets me with a smile. "Are you able to join us for any sessions this week?"

"Not unless you have one before 8 a.m." I carry a bag of clean sheets across the lawn to the massage hut.

"We do, in fact—sunrise sessions on Tuesday and Thursday."

I return her smile. "Good. Then I'll see you tomorrow morning."

I wave at the director of The Waters, who enters the sanctuary to presumably prepare his speech to the newcomers within the hour. As I enter the massage hut, Kaia is sitting on the table.

"What are you doing here?" I set down the heavy bag.

"This morning was great." She hops off the table. "Maybe we should start more days like that."

I kiss her forehead as she wraps her arms around me. "I wouldn't complain."

She releases me. "See you in the sanctuary in a few minutes?"

"Yeah, I just need to set up, and then I'll head over." I pull out a clean sheet and fling it in the air. It lands perfectly on the bed, and I smile.

* * *

Every week-long retreat at The Waters begins with a welcome speech, followed by a tour, and then a meditation hour so that guests can center themselves in preparation for the workshops that follow. I've noticed that most guests enter our retreat center with an open mind, ready to relax, but they're not quite prepared for the weight of some of the workshops that require deep listening and self-examination. It's a joy to watch them grow and change as the week progresses, and by the time they leave, many feel like they've been reborn.

The sanctuary is the largest space on the 120-acre campus, yet it feels intimate. There is only one real wall in front of the room, and the others are floor to ceiling glass panels that can be opened fully to make it feel like you're outside. There are no tables and chairs—only large pillows, soft tuffets and warm blankets.

I find my place against a column in the back of the room as our director calls everyone to attention with a chime.

"Welcome to The Waters. My name is Christian Mills, and I'm thrilled that you've chosen to spend the next week with us," he begins. "The Waters is more than a retreat center or an educational institute. Anchored by the inspiring beauty of Big Sur and an unparalleled intellectual history, we are a world-wide network of seekers who look beyond dogma to explore deeper possibilities; forge new understandings of self and society; and pioneer new paths for change. Part of opening our mind is to grow in understanding the reality of ourselves and others. Suspend judgement for a while as you try to center yourself in this sacred space."

I've heard him say this speech every week for three years, but it took me a while to process those words and come to believe them as true. I've let go of preconceived notions, prejudice and spite and have come to truly understand what it means to be centered— _balanced_.

"You've decided to join us for our New Year Meditation Retreat: Self-Love and Kindness that Benefits All. Some of you are couples, hoping to renew your love for each other, and some are single, hoping to find inner peace and tranquility. No matter who you are, where you're from or what you're worth, you will find yourself here. That's a promise."

Christian goes on to explain how each day is scheduled, meal time rituals, when guests can enter the baths and hot springs, and quiet hours. I take that time to glance around the room. There are people from every ethnic background, some dressed like they're headed directly to a yoga class and others who look like they're going to their desk jobs in corporate America.

Kaia approaches me with a big smile—she smiles a lot.

"Any hot women in here?" she whispers in my ear.

I hold a chuckle in my throat. "Not that I can see."

Kaia nods in the opposite direction from where I'm looking. "What about her, over there?"

She must be staring at the dark-haired woman in a leather jacket who is standing with her knees against another woman's back. "Attractive."

I know what Kaia is thinking. It wouldn't be the first time we've had a threesome. Though it hasn't happened often, I've enjoyed those sexual encounters more than I thought I would. The first time was when I realized I didn't love Kaia the way I'd loved Pip— _her_ before. Kaia didn't love me that way either, which made sex with two women less intimidating. It was all about the physicality of sex, not the emotions behind it.

Christian finishes his speech, and our tour guides divide the room into groups of 10 to tour the property. That's my cue to head to the massage hut. I squeeze Kaia's hand, and then walk across the lawn as groups begin heading into the chilly morning air.

A tall blonde woman catches my eye like "she" has many times in the past. There are thousands of blondes who've come to The Waters over the years. It's natural for me to think of Piper, and I've learned to let myself go there if only for a minute. This woman happens to be with the one that Kaia and I picked out of the crowd moments earlier. Before I can get a good look at her face, she enters the Art Barn.

I shake my head as I walk down the path towards the hut. For the second time in 24 hours, I've thought about Piper. It's unusual and unsettling. Once I reach the hut, I busy myself with lighting candles and making the space ready to welcome guests.

The first group approaches, and I fill them in on the uniqueness of the massage hut. "It's designed to be a room for no more than four people at a time, so please take turns coming inside." I step aside. "You'll notice there are two windows, looking over the bluff and to the ocean. There are no glass window panes, and we never cover up the open spaces even if it rains. This won't be the last time you hear about _openness_ at The Waters. If you choose to have your massage here, we hope you'll feel like you're one with nature. If that's not your preference, you can opt for a massage in one of our two indoor rooms just off the reception area."

I answer a few questions, take in a few compliments of how tranquil the space feels, and then the group moves on. I flip on the space heater as the ocean breeze picks up, and the next group approaches.

"Welcome to the massage hut," I begin, and my voice gets stuck in my throat.

It can't be. _It simply cannot be_.

I'm paralyzed as those once familiar blue eyes stare at me. I don't need to look at her nose or her mouth or her body. _I know those eyes_. I can't speak. I don't even know if my mouth is moving as it tries to get _any_ fucking word out. My first instinct is to approach her, and I try to walk, but my legs won't budge. My second instinct is to run, but again with the legs.

"Alex?"

"Pi—" half her name comes out as a wheeze.

I hear the tour guide take over my speech about the massage hut, and I finally blink. It burns like salt water in a wound.

The tour guide places a hand on my arm, and my eyes leave blue ones, looking down at the skin to skin contact. "Would you mind telling them about the windows?"

"Yeah, sorry." I step aside, and when I look up, she's gone. There are nine other people moving in and out of the hut without having a clue what just happened, but she's not one of them. I take a few steps forward and scan the lawn, but the only people I see are two other tour groups roaming the property.

Surely I was mistaken. Piper Chapman wasn't here. I saw what I wanted to see— _who_ I wanted to see. I glance at my arm, and the little hairs are standing up like I'm some kind of primal animal that has just been provoked.

"Alex, someone has a question about massage techniques."

I twist my neck towards the voice, but once again, my legs won't move. I swallow hard and close my eyes, suddenly feeling dizzy—queasy.

"Are you ok?"

"I…" I cover my mouth with the back of my hand. "I don't know." And that's the truth. I don't know if I'm ok. I might throw up. I might bolt. I might be anchored to that spot for days.

"I seem to have lost my girlfriend," a voice pipes up from my right, and I notice it's the woman with the leather jacket. "Has anyone seen Piper?"

That's all it takes. I jet across the lawn and enter the first building I come to, which happens to be the yoga room. I tangle my hand in my hair and try to control my breathing. I can do this. I practice yoga. I meditate. I live and breathe mindfulness every fucking day, and…and…

"Alex?" She looks frightened.

"Piper?" I shake my head in disbelief. "What are you doing here?" At least my vocal chords have decided to work.

"What are _you_ doing here?"

"I work here," I answer automatically.

For the first time since we've seen each other, she looks away, and the spell is broken. I can breathe. I take in a long breath as if I've been under water too long, and I hope she can't hear the deep intake.

Her eyes don't stray for long. "You _work_ here?"

I nod. "Yeah."

Piper scratches her head. "Doing what?"

"Massage therapy and stuff." Although my voice works, my words are clumsy and monosyllabic. "Why are you here?"

"I'm with…" She pauses, looking at her feet. "I'm here like everyone else—for the New Year retreat."

" _Here_?" I ask stupidly.

"Obviously here. Yes." Those fucking blue eyes.

I'm usually the calm, cool one—Piper has never played that part. How have the roles reversed? I close my eyes and try to regain my composure. When I open them, she's looking away again. Good. I can't seem to function when those eyes are on me.

I switch my weight from one leg to the other. "You started to say you were with someone."

"I'm with my girlfriend." She looks at me defiantly—like she's daring me to comment on her statement.

I clench my jaw. "I see." I feel like telling her that I have a girlfriend, too, but I don't really, and such a statement would be childish and petty.

"In fact, I should probably find her." Piper takes a step forward, but I stop her with a hand on her shoulder. That was a mistake. All too quickly, those eyes are boring into mine again, and my hand is on fire.

I find the strength to ask, "Why did you run away from the massage hut?"

"I didn't run away."

"You were there. You recognized me. We recognized each other. Why did you leave like that?"

She shrugs. "Fight or flight."

Her response upon seeing me was as instinctive as mine, only I couldn't move and she could only run.

"Oh." I suck in my lips and listen to the silence between us. I can almost hear the questions, rolling around in her head. I taste my own questions in the back of my throat, but I don't know which one to begin with, so I don't say anything.

Piper glances outside. "I should catch up with my tour group."

"Right." I move to the side as if I'm blocking a door, but there are no doors in the room—only a sliding glass partition that is wide open.

"We're not going to be able to completely avoid each other," I say with the most conviction of anything I've offered over the last five minutes. "Maybe we should find time to talk."

She takes a step closer and lifts her chin. "I'm here with my _girlfriend_ to deepen our connection and to better myself. Having a conversation with you would be the opposite of that."

I smirk, finally feeling like my old self after her provocation. "Having trouble connecting, then?"

"You haven't changed a bit." She shakes her head and walks outside.

"Quite the opposite, Pipes." I nudge my glasses. "Sounds like you're the one who hasn't changed."

She makes an odd sound and disappears around the corner.


	2. Chapter 2

I have a difficult time concentrating throughout the day. After every guest or couple leaves the massage hut, I anxiously await who will enter next, cursing myself for hoping it'll be Piper.

I grab a tuna sandwich on my lunch break and head for the sanctuary room, which I hope will be empty as the first workshops began 10 minutes ago in the smaller rooms. Turns out, there are several people inside, opting to have hushed conversations in the center of the room. I leave the sanctuary and decide to walk down to the hot springs. It's rare for anyone to be in the water at this time of day, especially since it's the first day of the retreat.

I tug my yoga pants almost to my knees and soak my feet in the flowing stream. It instantly soothes me the way water does, and I'm reminded of how much Piper loved baths. Well, water in general. She was like a fish in the sea when we traveled together, jumping into oceans, ponds, streams or swimming pools without even checking the temperature first. She also loved shower sex. I did not. I smile at how we'd sometimes compromise—I'd get her off under the warm spray of the shower, and she'd return the favor as I sat on the bathroom counter.

It took me a long time and a lot of soul-searching to admit that Piper is the only person who has ever had power over me. She doesn't know that—at least I never told her. Maybe she figured it out when we were in prison, but I'd never filled her in on that little secret. After all, I was the thick-skinned one. The other prisoners feared and revered me. Only, that's not who I am anymore. I'm calm and gentle and reflective. I appreciate peace and quiet. I heal with my hands. I listen instead of talking. I don't scheme or try to get the upper hand. My life is simplistic and glorious and drama-free. And Piper-less.

"What the fuck?"

I snap my head around, and there she is. Not so Piper-less now. I don't know whether to smile or frown. My lips make the decision for me as they tug upwards. I can't help a feeling of elation when she's near me.

I briefly glance in her direction, and then unwrap my sandwich. "Shouldn't you be in a workshop or something?"

"I'm not really in need of a lecture about body awareness and confidence."

Do not look at her body. _Do not_.

Of course, I look at her body. In fact, I drink in every detail. She looks the same as ever—tall, thin, muscular, blonde hair a bit shorter than it was in prison. In other words, she looks good. No, she looks _great_. After giving her the once-over, I return my attention to her eyes.

"But your girlfriend does?"

She wrinkles her brow. "Does what?"

"Needs a lecture about body awareness and confidence." I take a bite of my sandwich. It's the first real food I've eaten in 24 hours, and I realize I'm famished. Maybe lack of food has made me more skittish than usual. After eating lunch, I'll probably be back to my old self and as in control of my body and reactions as ever.

Piper looks away. "She doesn't _need_ it…she's being polite."

I take another bite. "And you're not?"

"Not what?"

"Being polite." I swallow the tuna, and turn to her again. "We never had trouble communicating in the past. Why are we stumbling all over this conversation?"

She doesn't respond.

"Nerves?" I suggest.

"I'm not nervous." Attention, back on me.

I give her an incredulous look. "You're not?"

She folds her arms and kicks out her leg. "If anyone is nervous, it's you."

I let out a short laugh, hoping she doesn't detect my lie. "Did you follow me down here?"

"What?" she huffs. "That's ridiculous."

"Then how do you explain it?" I swallow another bite. "We have access to 120-acres, and we end up in the same place at the same time?"

Piper shrugs. "Beats me."

"I know why." I stand on the rocky terrain, dusting off my butt and moving in front of her. "Because we're connected in some higher-power fucking way. It's been eight years, Piper. Everything between us somehow happens in eights. Here we are, face-to-face yet again—connected."

"Every eight years, you ruin my life," she says with conviction. "I won't let that happen a third time."

She's right: she didn't need to attend the workshop about _confidence_. Her words pack a mean punch. I don't let them hurt me in that moment, but damn if I don't reflect on them later in the privacy of my own home and allow the pain to hit me square in the chest. I've gotten good at transforming pain into something positive.

"Tell you what." I stand taller. "You go back to your girlfriend and forget you've ever laid eyes on me. I'll stay out of your way if you stay out of mine. If I so much as see you walk in my direction, I'll turn around. I suggest you do the same."

"Done."

Our eyes lock and I can feel her energy. I've become a master at feeling other people's energy. She's fuming and trying to hide it. She hates that I've left no room for rebuttal, and she desperately wants to say something more powerful than me, but she can't. Piper is stuck, and it's killing her.

I put my shoes back on, pick up my sandwich wrapper and leave her standing next to the hot spring. I don't like walking away from her, but I need to remove myself from the situation. I know how much it stings to be the one left standing alone. Winning an argument with Piper used to make me feel good— _superior_. I refuse to allow Piper to bring out my old demons.

As I make my way back for my next appointment, it dawns on me: since I moved to Big Sur, I haven't been angry or spiteful. I haven't lost my temper. I haven't wanted to hurt someone the way I want to hurt Piper with my words. Why does she frustrate me so much? Is it because we have unresolved tension? Do I have resentment towards her for not responding to my letters in prison? Is there a part of me that expects an apology? If so, _for_ _what_? For not contacting me at all over the last eight years? For moving on with her life? _I_ moved on. Why shouldn't she?

"Hello, we have a session with you at one."

I turn to see a young Indian couple at the entrance of the massage hut.

"Welcome." I smile, trying to banish all thoughts of Piper—something I need to improve upon quickly. "Please make yourselves comfortable."

* * *

For the remainder of the day, I successfully avoid Piper. I decide I need a guided meditation session, and as luck would have it, there's one just before dinner, and I'm done with work for the day.

Guided meditation almost always take place in The Round Room, which also serves as a space for singing workshops. It's acoustically sound and is the only room other than the kitchen that has real walls with two small windows facing the ocean.

I walk in and take a seat on one of the four open yoga mats, tossing a blanket over my legs. I nod my hello to Priya, who I can tell wasn't expecting me. She doesn't usually lead meditation, and I'm beginning to wonder if I stepped into a yoga session by mistake. It's not unusual for any employee to step in when someone is absent, so I patiently wait to ensure I'm in the right place. Perhaps I'll stay even if it is a yoga class; I believe I'm in this room for a reason, and it's not entirely to avoid seeing Piper.

Two more people enter the room, and as the chime sounds at 5 o'clock, Priya closes the door. She plays instrumental music and greets everyone with brief instructions on how the meditation will work. Turns out, I'm in the right place.

As she walks us through the stages of meditation, I let my mind wander as instructed, and visions of Piper enter my head. I hold the image for a moment. Piper is wearing all white—flowy pants and an oversized linen shirt. She's standing on the edge of the cliff at The Waters, and the ocean breeze is making her clothes and hair blow. It almost looks like she's floating. She takes two steps forward, and I'm afraid she's going to fall. My eyes pop open, and my pulse quickens—the opposite of what I'm supposed to experience during meditation. Priya gives me a look as if checking to see if I'm alright. I swallow the acrid taste in my mouth and attempt to close my eyes again. They're squeezed shut as I try to banish the image of Piper falling. My muscles ache as my whole body clenches with fear. I feel a hand on my shoulder and look up at Priya.

"Feel free to lie down if it will help you relax."

I nod, lying on my back with my eyes still open. I'm afraid to shut them. I'm afraid Piper will fall.

"Concentrate on your breathing."

I do as I'm told, and my pulse slowly returns to normal, but I can't close my eyes. What does such a vision mean? Am I worried about Piper's mental health? That can't be. She seemed more confident today that I've ever seen her. I need to see her—lay eyes on her to make sure she's ok. I know I told her to walk the other way if she sees me, but I _just need to see her_.

I excuse myself from the meditation session and mouth, _sorry_ , to Priya.

It's gotten cooler as dusk has settled in, and the lights around the property have all come on, making it even more serene than in the daylight. There are many places Piper could be, and I don't know where to start—the baths, the hot springs, the art room, the kitchen, the yoga room. I wander aimlessly around the lawn, overwhelmed by where I should look first. One thing I know is that she's not standing on the ledge. I peek over, hoping I don't see a body down there, and I let out a sigh of relief when I see the coast is clear.

"I thought you'd be in the kitchen." A voice startles me.

"Kaia. You scared me."

She smiles as she runs her hand down my arm. "Sorry." Her touch feels awkward—like it's the wrong hand on my arm, and I pull away.

"I needed some fresh air," I offer foolishly—I get fresh air all day, every day.

She gives me a look. "Are you feeling ok?"

I nod. "You're right—I need to be in the kitchen. I'll see you later." Truth is, it's not my night to help in the kitchen, but I don't want to be with Kaia. She'll ask too many questions, and I'm not ready to talk about Piper. Besides, she knows nothing about Piper—that she even exists in this world. Kaia knows I traveled with a girlfriend when I worked for the drug cartel, but I've never described the woman I traveled with, and I certainly never used her name.

I walk towards the kitchen, and as I make my way inside, I feel someone staring at me. It's not Kaia.

"I'd walk the other way, but I think this is the only path to the kitchen." Piper zips her fleece jacket.

"It is." I look down for fear of her detecting my relief upon seeing her. "Unless you walk all the way around the building and through the parking lot."

"I'm not going to do that just to avoid you." She stands on the dimly lit porch as if waiting for me to do something.

"The avoidance thing…" I put my hand on the doorknob, but I don't open it. "Maybe it wasn't such a good idea."

She tilts her head. "Why not?"

"I just don't think it'll work." I nervously adjust my glasses with my other hand. "It's a big campus, but we're bound to run into each other unexpectedly a couple times a day."

Piper puts her hand over mine on the knob. "Are you saying it's inevitable?"

The tingling sensation that runs through my body is like hitting my funny bone without the pain. It's an electric, powerful feeling. She knows that I know the significance of that word; it defined us once upon a time.

I blink, not taking my eyes off her, but before I can reply in the affirmative, someone bursts through the door, nearly knocking Piper over.

"Whoa, sorry!"

"Chef." I back away, putting my hand on the nape of my neck. "We were about to go inside."

"I can see that." She smiles. "You want to lend a hand in the kitchen tonight?"

I know she's talking to me, but Piper answers first. "I think I've been assigned to help." She pulls a piece of paper out of her jacket pocket. "Yes, it says here that I'm a kitchen volunteer tonight and tomorrow." She shows the slip of paper to the chef as if she needs to prove it.

"Great. I'm the head chef, Virginia Winthrop." She shakes Piper's hand. "There are aprons hanging on hooks as you walk inside. Put one on, wash your hands, and my assistant, Corie, will show you what to do."

Piper nods. "Thanks."

"Alex, you're welcome to join her."

"I'm…" I don't want to be that close to Piper tonight. I need my space; time to think and maybe even meditate without frightening images of Piper about to fall off a cliff this time. "I have to talk to Priya as soon as she's done with her session, but I'll be here tomorrow."

"Good. Tomorrow is salmon night."

I force a smile. "My favorite." It's not really. She makes it the same way every single time—salmon with homemade pesto. Just once, I wish she'd change it up.

I try to lighten the heavy air between us. "I don't know if you want Piper in the kitchen."

Chef creases her brow, while Piper looks mildly annoyed.

I grin. "She once fixed a toaster with a hot glue gun. Needless to say, we couldn't eat toast again until I bought a new one."

It seems like Piper is trying to hide a smile, but it's no use. She knows that story tickled me.

"You two know each other?"

"A lifetime ago," she whispers before walking inside.

I let out a long breath. "I should probably…" I hook a thumb over my shoulder as chef gives me a curious stare. "See you later."


	3. Chapter 3

On the first night of a new workshop series, all of us are invited to join the guests for dinner. I know Kaia will be in the dining room to take advantage of the free food, but I don't want her company right now. I sneak out, taking a plate of vegetable lasagna with me to the house for some alone time.

I eat in silence, practicing mindfulness, and then I do something I haven't done in almost a year. I plug my iPod into the stereo in the living room and play something other than instrumental music or jazz. I scroll to an old playlist, not caring what song comes on, and lie on the floor with the door wide open so the cool breeze surprises me when it wafts inside.

The first song is _Bizarre Love Triangle_ by New Order, and I have to laugh at the obscurity. Linkin Park comes on next, followed by Good Charlotte. Those songs do nothing for me other than make me feel the inklings of a headache. Just as I'm about to switch to instrumental music, the next song is more mellow. I close my eyes as I listen to the first verse:

 _Well those days have all but gone_

 _And still I'm listening in_

 _To that old long-distance call_

 _But I'll forget you_

No surprise, I think of Piper. There was a ten-day stretch when she was in the States and I was traveling abroad at the beginning of our relationship, and I missed her more than I thought possible, which freaked the shit out of me back then. I hadn't felt that way about any other woman, and I couldn't shake the feeling—the _yearning_ to be with Piper. I called her long distance every night, and when I got my cellular bill that month, it was $200 over my normal charges. It was worth every penny.

It's not that I've try to evade thoughts of Piper—that's downright impossible now that she has re-surfaced in my life if only for what will be one week. I'd be wasting valuable energy to force thoughts of her out of my head, so I let them come to me, careful to avoid visions of her on the cliff. The images are fleeting, but they're mostly of her smiling. I can't hold any one image for too long. Maybe it's the music. I'm trying too hard to relate the lyrics of the song to my relationship with her.

The next song comes on, but it's one I don't recognize right away. I shake my leg to the beat, waiting for the chorus to remind me of the title.

 _I don't want to fall away from you_

 _Gravity is pulling me on down_

A memory slaps me in the face. Piper downloaded this song when we were in Jakarta. We'd gotten back to the hotel at 3 a.m. after dancing the night away in a club in the old town of Kota Tua. Most of the music that night was fast-paced and rhythmic with a beat you couldn't help but dance to, and then this random song came on. We'd been dancing close all night, but not necessarily _together_ , but when _Gravity_ played, Piper tucked two fingers into the waistband of my jeans, pulling me towards her. She swayed her hips from left to right until they were pressed against me, and it took me no time to fall into rhythm. I strung my arms over her shoulders, and before I knew it, we were grinding on the dance floor. My mouth found its way to her neck, and when she had enough of my ministrations, she switched positions, putting her mouth close to my ear and alternating between singing the lyrics and sucking on my earlobe.

Chills shoot through my body like I can feel the memory. That's another benefit of my time working at The Waters—I _feel_ much more deeply.

"We missed you at dinner tonight."

I open my eyes, annoyed by Kaia's intrusion of my trip down memory lane. And I was just about to get to the part when I'd dragged Piper to the bathroom and fucked her against the cold, metal door.

"Why are you listening to this music?" She walks over to the stereo and lowers the volume. "And why is it so loud?"

"I wasn't in the mood for instrumental music tonight." I sit up, running a hand through my hair. "Don't you ever get tired of listening to music without words?"

"What's up with you lately?" She crosses her arms and eyes me suspiciously, but there's no judgement in her tone. "You've been acting strange the last couple of days."

I don't let on that anything is amiss; instead, I shrug and unplug my iPod, taking it to the bedroom with me. Kaia is close behind.

"You obviously have something on your mind." She doesn't wait for a response. "I'm not going to push the issue. I just want to make sure you're ok, Alex." I know she genuinely means that.

"I'll talk about it when I'm ready," I reply in an oddly timid voice. "Until then, please don't ask."

Kaia seems satisfied with my response, gently closing the door as she exits. One of the things that initially attracted me to her was the way she helped me let go of distractions. She introduced me to what I still refer to as "spa music," which proved invaluable before I was able to appreciate being comfortable in total silence. Kaia has been in tune with me since we first met, and she has always been able to sniff out when I'm depressed or conflicted. She has also been the person to pick me up, so I'll never be upset with her for asking questions and trying to help.

I let out a thick sigh, frustrated with myself for allowing thoughts of Piper to consume me. Yes, I want those thoughts to be set free like a bird flying out of a cage, but I don't want them to eat away at my soul. I plug in my headphones and climb into bed, returning to the instrumental music I've come to enjoy. I let it soothe me as I drift off to sleep, the last thought on my mind is of Piper in a prison bunk next to me.

* * *

I wake up at six in the morning, but it's not because of chirping birds. My phone is vibrating on the bedside table so much that it falls to the ground. I reach for the device and am too sleepy to recognize the number.

"Hello?"

"Alex, sorry if I woke you. We have a bit of an issue I think you can solve," Walter says as if he's been awake for hours.

"What is it?" I sit up, putting on my glasses and draping my legs over the side of the bed.

"Ramona is sick and can't do her workshop this morning."

"Which workshop?"

"Women in Transition: Climbing into Your Authentic Self," he replies. "I know you've done this one in the past, and I'm hoping you're willing to fill in."

I poke my fingers into knotted hair. "What about my massage classes?"

"Jovinna can take your first two appointments."

"I'll need to brush up on the notes." I shuffle towards the bathroom.

"I'll have them ready for you as soon as you get in." I can hear him smile. "Thanks, Alex."

I take a quick shower and hope I can make it to the 30-minute sunrise yoga session before diving into the notes for a presentation I've given a grand total of three times. Nevertheless, it's the workshop I've attended the most out of the 30+ sessions that are offered regularly. I know the material, and I can deliver. I'd just rather if Piper wasn't in this one. There's another session at the same time, so maybe she'll go to that one instead of mine.

I arrive with a few minutes to spare for sunrise yoga, and Priya checks in with me before we begin. I assure her I'm fine after yesterday's odd moment during meditation, and she tells me that a little yoga to start the day is just the kind of thing I need to have a fabulous, focused day.

The yoga studio is particularly cold that morning, and Priya cranks up the heat. I've learned to bring a light jacket to these morning sessions for this exact reason, and I hear two of the guests ask if they have time to go back to their rooms to grab one. As soon as they exit, I spot Piper on a mat in front of the room in Child's Pose.

I straddle the mat next to her. "Is this mat taken?"

She turns her head slightly but doesn't look up, and then returns her forehead to the mat without answering. I find it interesting that Piper doesn't have to look up to know it's me—she recognizes my voice, and if I had to put money on it, I'd say my very presence.

"I guess it is." As I turn to find another mat, she stops me.

"It's not." She sits up, feet tucked under her butt, gaze still facing the front of the room.

I cross my legs next to her and decide to make small talk—we have to start somewhere. "How was your first night at The Waters?"

"Fine."

"Can you hear the ocean from your room?"

"Yes." She stretches a rubber band between her fingers and pulls her hair back into a ponytail, making her look as young as the Piper I knew in her 20s. I'm amazed that there are literally no wrinkles on her face.

As I smile when I realize just how cute she is, the woman in the leather jacket from the day before walks up to her and sits on the mat on the other side. She leans over, kissing Piper on the cheek. The woman has jet black hair and a thick voice, and despite not wanting to find her attractive, I can't help admitting she is.

"Good morning, sweetie. Why didn't you wait for me?"

I try to tear my gaze away, but I can't. My eyes are glued to Piper and the woman who I'd rather just disappear.

"I didn't think you were coming."

"I told you last night I'd like to join you."

"You said you'd _like_ to join me. I didn't take that as definitive," Piper responds in a hushed tone.

Do I detect a hint of annoyance in her voice? Maybe I was on to something yesterday when I asked if her relationship needed some fine-tuning.

Priya rings a chime to get everyone's attention. "Good morning, and welcome to our first sunrise yoga session. We only have about 40 minutes together this morning, so let's make it count. If the spirit moves you, we'll have one more session before lunch and one just before dinner."

I glance at Piper who is in Sukasana, while her girlfriend appears to be in half lotus. I smirk as I realize they're out of sync. I shouldn't feel this way—glad to see that Piper and her partner might be struggling in their relationship. I don't wish ill will towards her, but I don't like seeing her with someone else.

"We're going to practice Vinyasa today, which means 'breath-synchronized movement'," Priya states as she plays a Sanskrit mantra.

Piper tried to get me to do yoga in prison, but I never joined her. I thought it was a silly waste of time, and there was no way it would increase my concentration or strength. Little did I know what I was missing. I've come to appreciate it for all its benefits, including increased flexibility, core strength, and of course, mindfulness.

During this morning's session, I'm terribly off balance as I steal glances at my ex-lover who seems perfectly at ease in every pose. When we get to Warrior 2, I'm forced to face her, and in turn, admire her body. Her arms are toned, with a perfect V in her biceps. Her neck looks strong, too, and I remember kissing the spot just under her ear that drove her nuts. I lick my lips as I lose my balance.

Piper is facing me now and watches me as I have to put my right leg down. I grin, trying to tease a smile out of her. She knows I'm staring at her, and frankly, I don't care. She doesn't react as she seamlessly moves back into Warrior 1.

When 40 minutes expire, the sun is fully risen, and I need to meet Walter to get the notes for my session. I might've been a hot mess in here, but it was worth every minute to get to watch her and appreciate her physical form and concentration.

I string a towel around my neck. "Have a good day."

Piper's body is turned towards her girlfriend, but she twists her neck to look at me. "Thanks."

As I walk the length of the room, I can see her looking at me in the mirrors—she's staring at my ass, what used to be her favorite body part second only to my breasts, and I can't help grinning.

* * *

The sanctuary is packed this morning as guests prepare for the first workshop of the day. I scan the crowd for Piper, but she's glaringly absent, and I breathe a sigh of relief. Her girlfriend is in the room, sitting close to one of the large windows, and I wonder if Piper decided to go for a dip in the baths instead of attending this session.

"Good morning," Walter begins. "You'll notice in your program that Dr. Ramona Kershaw was supposed to conduct this workshop, Women in Transition: Climbing into Your Authentic Self, but Ramona has caught a terrible bug and won't be with us today."

A few guests whisper to each other, making me a little nervous that they were hoping to hear the renowned psychologist present the session. I become even more anxious when Piper sneaks in and joins her girlfriend on an overstuffed floor pillow. Piper sits between her legs and they hold hands, and I desperately want to escape. I divert my attention to Walter—now is not the time to run or hide as 30 people are staring at me, expecting I'll give them the kind of experience they paid good money for in the absence of Dr. Kershaw.

"Without further ado, our very own, Alex Vause."

Most of the guests clap, and I smile, thanking them for their time and attention, and then I dive in with a bang. "Your house is on fire. Your boat is sinking. What do you take with you? What are you willing to sacrifice to the fire or watch sink to the depths below?"

I see several raised eyebrows in the audience, and I know I've caught them off guard.

"Over the next two hours, I'll help you make these decisions so you can navigate change and rediscover your most authentic self. In your authenticity, choose what _you_ desire rather than what you or others think you're supposed to do." I walk to the other side of the room and continue. "Turbulent times are a call to adventure, but we have to be careful about what kind of adventure we seek. Throughout this session, we're going to do some purposeful writing, deep relaxation and guided meditation. Women in Transition gives you the space and tools to ride the wave of change. You'll be shown strategies and rituals for embracing a deeper connection to your higher self."

I slowly walk back to the other side of the room and spot Piper with her mouth hanging open. It's like she can't believe what I'm saying—that it's _me_ in front of the room talking about deep connections and authenticity. I don't blame her for gawking; I never expected to be here either.

"Please take out your journals." I stuff my hands into my pockets. "We're going to begin with the questions I posed earlier. Take a few minutes to think about and jot down what you'd take with you if your house was on fire. Is it a box of old photos? A pet? Obviously your children and spouse if you have them."

That elicits a little laughter.

"If you're here with a partner, please wait to share your responses with them if you choose to share them at all," I say, glancing at Piper again. "Remember, this is about _you_ and your journey, not the person next to you."

Over the next two hours, I tell stories from my own adventurous life, the bad decisions I made and the very few good ones. The audience is hanging on every word. I look at Piper as often as I can without being too conspicuous, especially when talking about my international drug cartel days. Her expression changes on a dime—from fondness to desperation to awe. I recall just how expressive her face can be, and if I got any closer, I'm sure I could tell what she was feeling just by looking into her eyes.

I'm not giving this speech for her; I'd say all these things with or without Piper in the room, but I like that she's here. This surprises me. My nerves almost had the best of me in the beginning, but now I'm in my zone, and a woman I cared deeply about for most of my adult life is sitting in the same room as me, listening intently to my story, which also happens to be hers. There is no other person on this planet who knows what I've been through the way Piper knows—that's a bond only the two of us can share.

I never mention what attracted me to The Waters in the first place. That's not what I want these people to know. I want them to get to know _themselves_ through stories I tell. Relate, agree, disagree, it's all part of the journey, and it's the reason they're all here.

When time expires, I'm bombarded by guests wanting to shake my hand, hug me, give me a high five, and ask for advice. A few women ask if I've written any books, and one asks for my number. After about 10 minutes of fanfare, there's a break in the crowd, and I search for Piper, but she's gone. My heart hangs a little lower, but it doesn't take long for me to recover as Walter pats me on the back and tells me I did a great job.

* * *

Lunch is a casual affair, and guests and employees can sit wherever they'd like on the property to enjoy their meal. I decide to sit at a picnic table under a large oak tree with my back facing the dining room. I'd rather enjoy my lunch alone after so much human interaction today, but it's not my lucky day.

"Mind if we join you?"

Or is it?

"I was in your workshop earlier." The woman in the leather jacket sits next to me, and I'm guessing I know the _we_ she's referring to despite the fact that Piper is nowhere to be found. "It was excellent." She sticks out her hand, and for a second, I think about not shaking it. I don't want to be friends with Piper's _girlfriend_.

"My name is Tess."

"Thanks for coming." I reluctantly shake her hand. "Glad you liked it."

"My girlfriend was really into it, too," she states, looking around. "Where'd she disappear to?"

I stab a piece of lettuce and roll it around in oil and vinegar.

"Over here," Tess calls with far too much enthusiasm for my taste. "This is Piper Chapman, my partner."

I cringe at the title. I don't think I've ever used that term to describe my relationship with Piper, and I've certainly never used it to describe my relationship with Kaia. It sounds formal and so fucking _absolute_.

"We shouldn't bother her," Piper says, salad bowl in hand, as she approaches the table. "I'm sure she's waiting for others to join her, or maybe she just wants to eat alone."

"Nonsense," I reply, politely smiling. "Please, Piper, join me."

She gives me a look like I'm not supposed to know her name.

"Tess introduced you as you were walking towards us," I say, which seems to relax her a bit.

She sits across from me, and the sun is shining through the branches and onto her face. She looks radiant and healthy and beautiful. For a moment, I let my fork hang in the air as I search for the scar on her cheek after we fucked in the library during the bed bug outbreak at Litchfield. I feel something stir within me when I spot it. I wonder if Tess enquired about the scar, and if so, did Piper tell her the truth about how it came to be?

"Your girlfriend was just telling me how much you enjoyed my workshop," I say.

Piper eyes me, squinting against the sun. "It hit close to home."

"Piper went on a similar adventure in her youth," Tess offers.

"Really?" I tilt my head. "Do tell."

"It was a long time ago." Piper tries to shrug it off as she stares at the contents of her bowl. "Not much to tell."

"You're being modest, sweetie." Tess shoos her, and then turns her attention to me. "She had the time of her life, galivanting across the globe with her college sweetheart."

I lift my eyebrows, intrigued by this little tale that Piper invented. "College sweetheart?"

"Tess, please." Piper shoots daggers in her direction. "I don't want to talk about it."

I pop a cherry tomato into my mouth, trying to stifle a smirk. "I'm sure I can fill in the blanks."

I feel a foot land hard against my shin. "Ow!"

Piper shoots the same look in my direction, and I'm reminded how adorable she is when she's mad. Don't get me wrong, I never liked being on the other side of that look, but when we made up, it was other-worldly kind of good.

I eye her lips, trying _not_ to remember how good they used to feel against mine. "You're really good at yoga," I say. "I bet you're flexible as all hell."

Tess wags her eyebrows. "She is."

"Since when do _you_ practice yoga?" Piper stabs her salad.

I take a swig of water. "I've only been doing it since I started working here."

"You need to work on balance."

Tess looks mortified. "Piper!"

I love every minute of it. "It's fine. I was a little distracted this morning." I shoot a look her way. "There was this hot woman in the studio, and I might've stumbled a few times when I stared at her body."

"Which one?" Piper asks, daring me to answer.

I finish my water and stand. "Blonde, about your height."

"I didn't notice another blonde in the room," Tess says as Piper blushes.

"Huh." I pick up my plate. "I have an appointment I need to get to. Nice meeting you both."

"A pleasure." Tess smiles up at me, and Piper keeps her head bowed.

I'm beginning to enjoy this more and more.

* * *

This afternoon I only have couples massage workshops, no single massages on the books. I enjoy teaching people how to give their loved ones a massage, and if it was the only thing I did at my job, I'd enjoy it that much more.

It's another glorious, sunny day in January when the temperature tops out at about 65 degrees, and I'm able to shed my jacket after lunch. I don't know how much Piper is warming up to me, but she's more talkative, which I take as a good sign. Tess is somewhat annoying, but she seems dialed into herself and what she hopes to get out of the workshops—much more so than Piper. I wonder if it was Tess' idea to come here, and if so, what kind of convincing did she have to do to get Piper to tag along.

The Piper I knew was certainly into Zen-like experiences, so I wouldn't think it would take much to get her to come to The Waters, but it's a week-long commitment to bettering oneself, and I don't know if she has that kind of stamina or humility.

"I heard your workshop was a hit." Kaia approaches me from behind.

"It was." I smile. "How was your day?"

"Busy," she sighs. "I had eight individual sessions."

"Mmm." I nod, knowing that's about one every hour, which can zap anyone's energy. "You going to turn in early?"

"I think so." She stops when we reach the kitchen. "What did you buy at the store the other day?"

"The usual—fruit, vegetables, a few cheeses and some bread." Kaia doesn't eat processed foods, and I'm prepared to hear a lecture. "Before you chastise me about the bread—"

She looks up but doesn't respond the way I expected. "I think I'll just eat at home tonight."

I kiss her on the cheek, thanking god this didn't become a fight about nutrition. "Ok, see you later."

I walk into the kitchen to find Piper lurking inside the propped-open door. "How much of that did you hear?" I smirk, knowing how much she used to like eavesdropping.

"Hmm?" She busies herself by trying to tie an apron around her waist.

I step daringly close, my chest inches from her back. She smells like lotion, and I wonder for a moment if she had a massage with one of the other technicians today. She also smells familiar, like a combination of citrus that always intrigued me. They say smell is significant when it comes to attraction, and it triggers memories in an instant. I'm living proof to the truth of that.

I lower my head and take in a slow, deep breath through my nose and gently move her hands to the side. I leisurely tie the apron strings around her waist, fingertips brushing against her stomach. I don't have the privilege of touching bare skin, but I can feel her warmth through her clothing.

Piper's head lulls back on its own volition, and it almost reaches my shoulder.

I'm able to speak directly into her ear. "Her name is Kaia." I choose my words carefully. "We live together." I squeeze her waist, and then walk further into the kitchen.

A few seconds later I look over my shoulder, and Piper is stuck to the spot like glue.

* * *

Author's note: Hope you're enjoying the story so far! I've spent the better part of the weekend fine-tuning it, and I'm pleased with the results and eager to share the whole thing with you over the next couple of weeks. The songs mentioned in this chapter are _I'll Forget You_ by Peter Bradley Adams and _Gravity_ by Shawn McDonald in case you wanted to put yourself in Alex's mindset.


	4. Chapter 4

The winter mornings and nights are cold in Big Sur. I love the variance in temperature, and I've learned to dress in layers. There's no sunrise yoga session today, so I make my way to campus with a piece of almond butter toast between my teeth as I shrug into a jacket.

" _Kaia_?" Piper scares the crap out of me. "Really?"

I jump back, dropping my toast. "Fuck, Pipes!" I half-regret calling her by a once familiar nickname. I don't think we've gotten to the point of such familiarity yet, but it comes naturally off my tongue.

She bends down and examines the bread before taking a bite. "It's still good. It landed on the stone."

I muster up an exaggerated sigh. "Take it."

"Oh, come on." Piper rolls her eyes. "It tastes better than any of the food at Litchfield."

I can't help but smile. She's making conversation and bringing up the past in a non-confrontational way. I consider it a success. And damn if she's not she's adorable. And hot. Within a matter of seconds, I determine that this morning, she's more hot than cute, what with her teal yoga pants and white, fitted sweater. Her hair is wavy—she knows I love it like this, and Piper is no fool. She knows exactly what she's doing.

I take the toast from her and shove the rest into my mouth in one bite.

She claws at my arm. "Hey! You said I could have it!"

I laugh with my mouth full, and I'm afraid crumbs will fly out my nose. I have to turn away to stop laughing so I can swallow without choking.

She pouts. "You're not nice."

I finally swallow the last of it. "You have pancakes and sausage waiting for you in the dining room. Stop complaining."

She falls back into step with me as we head in that direction.

I side-eye her. "Were you waiting for me in the bushes?"

"I wasn't in the bushes." She looks away, scratching her head, and I know she's bending the truth. "I was on a walk, and you happened to be coming my way."

"Ah." No matter how much she denies it, Piper was waiting for me, which makes me giddy.

"Do you live over there?" She pokes her head to the side.

"Yeah." I brush the crumbs off my face. "Most employees do."

"With _Kaia_?" It's the second time she says her name like that—almost as if she thinks Kaia isn't a real person or that it's a made-up name.

Piper has always been the jealous type. Me? Not so much. It just so happens I don't like Tess, who has a striking physical resemblance to me. She's thinner, shorter and doesn't have breasts or an ass to speak of. She has a nice smile and great hair. I decide not to bring up our similarities to Piper for fear of her accusing me of seeing something that's not there. (Although it clearly _is_.)

"Yes," is all I offer.

"Who is she?" Piper is hunting for information about what Kaia means to me. She doesn't care about her profession or why she's at The Waters.

I ignore what she wants. "She's a certified life coach, yoga instructor, massage therapist and transformational leadership advisor," I say. "In other words, she does a little bit of everything around here."

We reach the porch leading to the dining area where other people are milling about.

Her expression is curious and maybe a little hesitant. "Is she the one who brought you to this place?"

"Look, Piper, I'm happy to talk with you about Kaia and answer your questions," I begin. "But not like this."

She folds her arms. "Like what?"

"On our way to this place or that." I shrug. "If you want to have a conversation, let's have one when we're able to devote time to it."

She looks towards the ocean. "I don't think that's a good idea."

I try to contain my unconvinced laughter. "So, you're just going to keep stalking me to find out more about my life?"

"I'm not stalking you." Piper's eyes probe mine. She pauses for a moment, and I can tell she's made a decision. "Fine, let's talk. Can you meet later tonight?"

"Behind your girlfriend's back?" She walked right into that one.

"And yours?" she questions. "I'm not suggesting we have a clandestine affair or start some sort of secret meeting ritual for the rest of the week."

I lift a singular brow, wondering if a _clandestine affair_ is exactly what she wants without having to admit it.

"If you want to have a conversation, I'd rather do it when no one else is around."

"Agreed." I don't mention it's not _me_ who wants to ask a thousand questions—it's her. "I'll make reservations for night bathing at 1 a.m. Most people don't know about it or think it's too cold to get naked in the baths in the middle of the night in January."

Her eyebrows shoot up like beanstalks.

I roll my eyes. "You can wear a swimsuit."

That seems to ease her trepidation. "How am I supposed to sneak out at that hour?"

"Tell Tess you're going to the baths." I shrug. "Or don't tell her anything at all. I don't know how you and your girlfriend communicate. Figure it out."

"Can't we meet after dinner like normal people?"

I lift her chin with two fingers and stare into her big, blue eyes. "We've never been normal people."

Piper gulps, and we inch closer, but I pull away and walk into the dining room. She's still outside.

* * *

As the day marches on, I only see Piper once, and it's from a distance. She is walking with Priya to the yoga room, and for a moment, I consider participating in the pre-lunch session if only to admire her body in yoga poses. My musings are interrupted by a guest who is expecting a massage, so all thoughts about Piper vanish for the next hour.

When I'm giving a massage, I don't think about her, but when I'm otherwise unoccupied, thoughts of Piper buzz around my head like bees. Sometimes it's a memory from the past, and if I allow myself to daydream, I'll play out one scene or another in my head. Sometimes it's in the present—wondering what she's doing; what she's thinking; who she's with (and hoping it's not Tess.)

In the eight years since I've seen her, I've never once thought Piper and I would get back together. That ship sailed long ago. However, I'm conflicted about our inevitability. I've read books about the subject, not because of her, but because much of what we teach at The Waters is about being attuned to oneself. It's taken years of practice, but I'm finally in touch with my feelings and emotions. I pay attention to signs and don't believe in coincidence. I could give a lecture about fate and destiny. I'm where I need to be at this particular juncture in my life, but the one thing I'm unsure of is who I'm supposed to be with. It's not Kaia. Maybe it's no one—maybe I'm supposed to be alone, continuing to search my own soul before trying to link with another.

"Is this a bad time?"

I snap my head in the direction of an unfamiliar voice. "Tess."

She enters the massage hut as I stuff a used blanket into the hamper.

"Can I help you?" Her name wasn't on my list of assigned clients today.

"I want to surprise Piper with a massage."

My eyes shoot open. I don't know how to get out of this one. If I say _no fucking way_ , she'll be suspicious. If I suggest she use another massage therapist, same thing. Fuck. I can't touch Piper's naked body. I mean, I _can_. I want to, but not like this, and _definitely not_ with Tess in the room.

"You know, one of those couple's massages where you teach us proper techniques."

I remain silent and wonder if she thinks my reaction is based on not understanding her request. _I understand what you're asking just fine_ ; I just don't want to do it.

"One of the women in my last workshop was raving about what you taught her and her husband," she continues.

"Sorry." I pull out a fresh sheet and fling it onto the table. "I'm booked solid for the next few days."

"I just checked with Chandra at the front desk. She said you have a few openings."

I don't look at her; I don't want to see her confused expression. "Really? Must have had a few cancellations then."

"Should I book with Chandra, or do you keep your own schedule?"

Maybe I can come up with a good excuse and get to Chandra before Tess has the chance to reach her. "Talk to her again."

"Ok, well, I'll probably see you around."

"Probably." I give her a tight-lipped smile as she walks away.

This has disaster written all over it.

* * *

Since living at The Waters, I've never had trouble sleeping. The soothing sounds of the ocean or the breeze blowing through the redwoods has always lulled me to sleep precisely when I'm ready. Tonight, however, I'm tossing and turning.

Kaia came in earlier to see if I was in the mood for sex, but I declined her invitation, saying I might be coming down with something. She seemed to believe me. I don't like lying to her, but I can't have sex with her now. My mental state isn't stable, and I would be distant in bed. She'd figure out something was amiss and call me on it. I'm not prepared for that.

As midnight approaches, I think about the conversation Piper and I are about to have—that is, if she shows up tonight. I refuse to prepare for it. I don't want anything to be rehearsed, and I can't plan for the questions she might ask. Well, perhaps I can guess what she'll ask, but if I expect to have an authentic conversation, I want to approach it with a clear, unbiased mind.

As long as I'm admitting things to myself, I also want to see her naked. _Really bad_. I didn't suggest the baths because of this, but it's an added bonus if she takes off her clothes. My only dilemma is how I'd keep my hands to myself. That brings the possible massage that Tess requested to mind. I wasn't able to talk with Chandra, but damned if I'll be forced to touch her with Tess present. I don't know if I have enough self-control to put my hands on Piper's gorgeous, naked body without them straying to parts that I no longer have the privilege of touching. Of course I'm a professional, but still. Naked Piper is perilous territory no matter what the situation.

I glance at the clock on my bedside table one final time at 12:30 a.m. and decide to take my time to head down to the baths.

The night is incredibly still. I hear an owl in the distance and crickets chirping all around me. The moon is a perfect crescent, hanging high in the sky. I breathe in the cold air and watch my breath as I exhale a puff of smoke. It reminds me of when I used to smoke cigarettes, only the air I'm blowing out now is pure, clean moisture, not a cloud of nicotine.

I arrive at the upper bath, and no one is around. I walk down the flight of wooden stairs to check the lower baths, and they are also vacant. I've only night bathed a handful of times, but I remember it feeling heavenly, especially on a cold night like tonight.

It's super dark out here, but there are strings of lights wrapped around the fence near the cliff and trailing down the banister. There's also a flood light just outside the bathroom. It's not hard to see in the dimness, but it's definitely not bright out here.

Piper approaches the hot tub with a towel under her arm. "I wondered if you might stand me up."

I flash a warm smile. "I wondered the same thing."

She looks around, slowly turning her head from left to right. "It's a beautiful place."

"And a nice night. Cold, but nice." I fold my arms across my chest, trying to prevent a shiver. I want to ask if she told Tess where she was going, but that's none of my business; she'll tell me if she wants to.

I follow her eyes to the bath. "Is this a natural spring?"

I nod. "This one is. There are two above ground hot tubs on the lower level."

"I read about the baths on the Internet." She removes her flip flops. "And their healing properties."

I hope they heal more than just physical ailments. "We could go down to the spring where you found me eating lunch the other day. It's just not as comfortable as this, and there's a bathroom right here with ample light."

"This is fine." Piper blinks at me. "Are you going in?"

"Yeah." I remove my jacket, followed by my shirt, and her eyes pop open before she quickly averts them. "It's a naked bath, Piper. If it makes you uncomfortable, I'll keep my—"

"Why would it make me uncomfortable?" she interrupts, eyes still cast in the opposite direction as she fidgets with her jacket zipper.

 _Because we are and always have been physically attracted to each other_? I don't ask that question aloud. "No reason." I step out of my wind-breaker pants and pull my underwear off. She's still looking away as I enter the bath. "Hot, hot, hot!"

Piper finally faces me as I lower my body into the steaming water. My breasts are still above the waterline, and her eyes are like magnets to them.

"You're still…" she gulps and puts her hand on the nape of her neck. "You're in good shape."

I slink lower until my breasts are covered. "So are you."

She takes off her clothes, revealing a green bikini, and I don't know where to look. Should I stare at the water? Look into the distance? Try to find the Milky Way? As my brain tries to process how to react, my eyes have their own plan. They glide down her body. Her absolutely perfect body.

 _Treacherous eyes_.

Piper has never had large breasts, but they fit perfectly in my hands. Her nipples are taut against the cold air, and I remember how hard they got in my mouth. She used to love when I toyed with them before going down on her. Her stomach is flat and her curves are just as appealing and defined as they've always been. Her thighs are muscular in the most feminine way, and I have the strongest desire to pull her to me and crash my mouth against hers, letting my hands roam across all that gorgeous skin.

She steps into the water. "Fuck, it's hot!"

"A hundred and five degrees," I reply, staring at her knees.

This was a bad idea. Awful. How am I expected not to touch her? I'm reminded of the time we were in the luxurious pool at the Nandini Jungle Resort in Bali. Despite the fact that Kubra and Fahri were there, Piper and I couldn't keep our hands off each other. When the men departed, I hoisted her onto the edge of the pool, pulled her bikini to the side and licked her until she came hard against my mouth.

"I thought it would smell like Sulphur." She eases further into the bath, and I see goosebumps on her skin. "You know, that rotten egg smell?"

I clear the image in my head and return to the conversation at hand. "The springs here aren't as Sulfuric as the ones in Calistoga. Those make me want to barf."

Piper eases her full body into the water, and I can no longer see her bikini-covered breasts. I suppose that's a good thing, but I'd like to have stared—admired—a bit longer. She's got nice shoulders. Those will do.

"When did you move here?"

Ok, so this is where we'll start. I can do this.

"Three years ago."

"And?"

"And what?" I chuckle. I know she wants more than a three-word answer, but I enjoy messing with her.

Piper tilts her head. "Do I really have to ask you to expand upon your answer?"

"No." I fan my arms out in the water, enjoying the feeling of warmth as the little waves hit my chest. "When I was released from prison, I spent six hellish weeks at my aunt's house." I'm not going to go into details about my time there or the visits from my parole officer, so I try getting to the point quickly. "I got a job at a coffee shop, and Kaia was a frequent customer. We went on a few dates, and I found out she was a massage therapist, studying to be a certified life coach."

Piper's face is a mixture of curiosity and jealousy.

Not much I can do about that, so I proceed. "Her uncle worked at The Waters at the time, and she told me all about this place. There was a fire in her eyes when she spoke about its _magical properties_." I use air quotes on the last part.

"You weren't skeptical?"

"Of course, I was." I lift my shoulders. "I'd never read a self-help book or believed in the power of intentional thought or the inter-connectedness of the world. I just wanted to get in this woman's pants."

Piper shoots me a look that I'd normally laugh at, but I contain my giggle and return to the more serious topic.

"I needed to get the fuck out of my aunt's house, but to do that, I needed financial help," I offer. "Kaia was my ticket out there."

"You _used_ her?"

"Not really. I was attracted to her," I explain.

Her eyes shift, and I wonder if she caught the past tense of my attraction. I consider revising my statement but decide to let it lie. Kaia is a good-looking woman, but she doesn't turn heads the way Piper does.

"She _wanted_ to help. I had free access to a fucking life coach. I might not have believed in that 'woo-woo' sort of stuff back then, but I wasn't stupid enough to turn down free advice from a professional."

She makes a little sound that I don't care to analyze.

"Before the move, we had several talks about her being the more _giving_ one of the two of us, but she was fine with it. I never saw it as me using her, and neither did she." I pause. "I can stop there, if you want."

Piper shakes her head. "No, go on."

"I moved in with Kaia in Albany, and she paid for my massage classes."

"That was generous of her."

"There were two conditions attached," I reply. "After I became licensed, I had to move to Big Sur with her. If I hated it here, or if we decided to go our separate ways after six months, the only thing I owed her was the cost of the massage classes. Even though she never asked for money, I paid her back before those six months were up. I don't like being in debt to anyone, you know?"

Piper is listening intently.

"Kaia took me to lectures, taught me how to meditate, and gave me all sorts of books to read…" I trail off, remembering the first time I became open to all that stuff. "After a while, I swallowed the bait. I'm a better person because of her."

A look crosses Piper's face—like she doesn't want Kaia to be such an influential person in my life.

"But you know what they say," I try to lessen her discomfort. "Only we can make change within ourselves."

That seems to relax her a bit, though I still detect a dose of suspicion. "Do you like it here?"

"What's not to like?" I laugh. "I pay next to nothing for housing, most of my meals are free, and I get to heal people through massage."

"I just never thought…"

I tilt my head. "You never thought, what?"

She shrugs. "I never thought you'd…be open to a new way of living."

"It's amazing how prison can transform a person." I stare into her eyes and wonder if they're darker because of the lack of light out here or for an entirely different reason.

She looks solemn. "Yeah, it is."

Her leg brushes against mine underwater, and I get that familiar tingling sensation. It's getting harder to ignore. Part of me wants to reach for her hand or tangle our legs together, but I restrain myself. Things are going too well to ruin it with a potentially unwanted touch.

"Tell me about you," I request. "Where do you live? What do you do? How long have you been with Tess?"

A grin touches her lips. "Which question are you most curious about?"

"I think you can figure it out." I smirk.

She knows full well where my interest lies, but she doesn't indulge me. "I was released early from Litchfield and lived with my parents for a little over a year."

I roll my eyes. "That must've been fun."

"Thrilling," she deadpans. "Polly and I started the soap business up again, and I've been doing that with her ever since."

"Do you live in New York?"

She nods. "With Tess."

I shouldn't be surprised by this, but it rips my heart a little, knowing Piper lives with who I assume is a serious girlfriend. She and I never technically lived together, unless you count sharing the same hotel room when we traveled the world together. It saddens me that we never took a stab at domestic life. Then again, I was in no position to settle down, and I had no idea what I wanted out of life before or during prison.

"Tess is one of our clients," Piper continues. "She owns a boutique in Midtown."

"Exciting." I don't mean to sound irritated, but it comes out that way.

"We've been together for three years," Piper offers. She's not exactly looking at me, but she's not shying away either.

"Marriage plans?" _Please say no_.

She switches her gaze to the water and doesn't answer my question directly. "We came here to figure out what we want from our relationship."

I admire her openness. I haven't been fully honest with her about my ill-defined relationship with Kaia. I'm not sure she'd want to know the details, so I remain quiet on the matter.

"This is a good place for soul-searching," I respond. "You get to work on self-actualization, as well as reconnecting with someone you care about."

She nods, but she's still not looking at me. I used to be able to read Piper like a book, but I don't know what she's thinking now. It bothers me. We remain silent for a few minutes, and I listen to the familiar sounds of nature—crickets, owls, waves—all sounds that have become part of my daily life.

"I thought we'd come here to talk more about when we were in prison." She surprises me with such a statement.

"We can talk about that if you want."

Piper shrugs. "I don't know if we need to talk _that_ much about it, but it would be nice to clear the air."

I move to the other side of the bath, facing an ocean I can't see, but I know it's out there. It reminds me how small I am in the great scheme of things.

"I was really mad at you," she starts, chin down, eyes on mine. "You begged me to lie under oath, and I did… _for you_."

"I'm sorry." I want to say, _we've been through this conversation before and it's exhausting_ , but I refrain from stating the obvious. I don't even mention that I thought she would tell the truth in the courtroom. If she wants to rehash this, I'll do it, but I'm hoping that's not the case. "I don't think you'll ever know how sorry I am."

She nods, averting her eyes again.

"I wrote letters," I try. "Did you get them?"

Again, a silent nod.

"Why didn't you respond?"

Finally, she lifts her eyes and catches mine. "I wasn't ready to forgive you."

It's a simple statement, but it packs a truthful punch.

"I get that." I float my arms on top of the water and watch the steam rise. "Forgiveness is one of the hardest things to do. We have an entire workshop series about it in August."

That elicits a low chuckle. "Maybe I should attend."

"Maybe." Something possesses me, and I reach for Piper's hand.

I feel her fingers tense at the same time her shoulders tighten. She blinks at me a few times before staring at our loosely joined hands just below the surface.

"I don't need a workshop to forgive you," she says barely above a whisper.

I feel my mouth tug upwards. "No?"

She shakes her head, slow smile matching mine. "No."

I have the urge to kiss her even more than before. I want to press my lips against hers, communicating wordlessly how deeply sorry I am—for _everything_. For dragging her into my criminal web to begin with, for lying, for _not_ lying…everything.

Piper releases my hand before I make up my mind about what to do. "It's too hot in here."

 _Yes, it is_.

"My hands are starting to shrivel." She shows me her fingers.

"Will you grab my towel?"

She steps out of the bath, quickly wrapping a towel around her body. "Get it yourself." There's a smirk on her face that's not lost on me. _She wants to see me naked_.

"Alright." I take my time getting out of the bath, damning the chill in the air that causes my nipples to harden.

Piper follows my every move, making no effort to conceal the lust in her eyes.

I pick up my towel from the bench, first wiping my face, and then my arms. I lean over to dry my legs, and my breasts heave forward. When I stand, she's clenching her jaw. Finally, I wrap the thick towel around my body.

"I should go." She hooks her thumb over a shoulder. "It's really late. Tess will worry."

"Did you tell her where you were going?" I wasn't going to ask initially but fuck it.

"No."

That's all I need to know. She doesn't want Tess to know about this, and I don't blame her. Hell, I didn't tell Kaia where I was going, but our relationship is vastly different than Piper's and Tess.

I put my clothes back on. "I'll walk you back to your cabin."

There's a stretch of about 30 yards that is pitch black—no lights, illuminating the path and the moon isn't bright enough to guide us. I'm ahead of Piper by a foot, and I feel her fingertips on my wrist. I take her hand, cupping it without linking our fingers together. It's warmer than I expected. And it fits mine like a glove—like it always has.

"This is my cabin," she whispers when we've moved into the light.

I smile down at her. "I'm glad we did this."

She nods. "Good night, Alex." She squeezes my hand, and then releases it, sticking a key in the door.

* * *

Author's Note: I hope you feel the sexual tension ramping up as the slow burn continues! Please let me know if I'm hitting the mark. Oh, and night bathing at the Esalen Institute is a real thing.


	5. Chapter 5

It's not unusual for me to smile first thing in the morning, but my typical smiles aren't like this one—those are smiles of peace and well-being. This is a smile of gratitude. I'm grateful for Piper Chapman's forgiveness. I'm grateful she's here, though not necessarily _with me_ , at least in my general presence. I'm grateful she wanted to have a conversation about where we are _now_ versus where we've been.

As I walk to get my supplies from the linen room, I acknowledge that I'd like Piper to meet me like she did yesterday in the bushes. My heart beats faster as I approach that area, but she's not here. I look around the lawn, but there's virtually no movement. I shield my eyes against the sun as they land upon the yoga studio, and then I remember it's Thursday, which means sunrise yoga. I debate whether I should join them, but the class is probably ending within the next 10 minutes.

If I walk slow enough, maybe I'll catch Piper coming out of the building. I pick up my clean sheets and make my way across the lawn. I'm able to see inside the yoga studio fairly well, and there are about 15 people on their mats. Soft music wafts out, reminding me not to be so anxious this morning. Despite my crawling pace, I pass the studio, and the class is still going on. I don't want to loiter, so I head to the massage hut without seeing Piper.

As I set up the massage table and turn on the space heater, I realize that no part of me feels guilty about last night. Living with guilt is a bitch, and I never want to be in that situation again. The guilt about sending Piper to prison ate at me for years like a blood-sucking vampire. It took a long time to forgive myself.

I've never felt guilty in my relationship with Kaia. She and I have had other sexual partners over the years—casual lovers. We discussed whether either of us wanted to know when we slept with someone else, and both of us agreed we'd be better off not knowing. If one of those relationships turned out to be more than an occasional fuck, we'd let the other know. We also agreed that happiness is paramount, so if one of us is unhappy or feels trapped, the other has an obligation to remind her about the vital importance of mutual contentment. That's how I'm able to live guilt-free with Kaia.

I practice 30 minutes of mindful meditation before my first guests arrive, and I intentionally brush thoughts of Piper aside. It's not easy the first three or four times she pops into my head, but I need to find inner-peace, otherwise my chakra will be imbalanced. I can feel that it already is. I move from the root chakra to the crown chakra, and though I'm moving pretty quickly in my mind, I see the ball of white light at the end— _balance_. I smile gently as I prepare for the day.

* * *

I haven't seen Piper at all this morning. I wonder if she's not feeling well or if she and Tess got into a fight. Is she intentionally avoiding me? That can't be. We had a significant breakthrough last night, or at least I thought we did.

"Why aren't you letting me see where we're going?" I recognize Piper's voice outside the hut.

I step into the doorway and watch Tess escort a blindfolded Piper to the massage hut. Shit. Shit, fuck, shit. Please don't tell me Tess was able to secure an appointment with me. I thought Chandra could read between the lines when I spoke with her yesterday.

"We're here." Tess unties the blindfold, and Piper blinks a few times, eyes landing on me, face contorting.

"I had nothing to do with this," I blurt out.

Tess gives me an odd look, and then turns to Piper. "I wanted to surprise you."

She's still blinking rapidly as if waking from a dream, realizing this is her reality. "You did."

"We always talk about getting massages, and I thought if we learned how to give them to each other, we wouldn't spend so much money at the spa."

Piper sniffs, rubbing a finger under her nose. She used to do that when she was agitated. "I don't know what to say."

"Alex, would you mind telling Piper about the benefits of giving your partner a massage?"

Tell _Piper_ , my ex-lover and in all likelihood, the greatest love of my life, how _Tess' touch_ will heal her soul? Let me think about that…uh, no. This is not going to be easy. In fact, it'll be painful. The only way to handle this is to slip into clinical mode.

"Touch builds greater trust between people." I replace my usual word, _lovers_ , with the generic term, _people_. "Physical touch activates the brain's orbitofrontal cortex, which is linked to feelings of reward and compassion. Studies show that a simple touch can trigger release of oxytocin, aka 'the love hormone'." There's no way around that fact, so I say it while looking away. "Our skin contains receptors that elicit emotional responses through stimulation of erogenous zones or nerve endings that respond to pain." I glance briefly at Piper, who is still rooted to the spot where Tess removed the blindfold. I don't know if she hears a word I'm saying. "When couples perform massages for each other, it strengthens their emotional and physical bond."

"Doesn't that sound like something we could use?" Tess asks.

"Yeah." She's not looking at her girlfriend. Her eyes are focused on me. It's like she's asking me how to proceed, but I don't have an exit strategy.

Tess puts her hand on Piper's back. "Why don't you go first?"

I nudge my glasses and look to the side. "Undress to your own comfort level, and lie face down on the bed…uh, _table_." I turn on my traditional spa music and wait for Piper to follow instructions.

"What should I do?" Tess asks.

I flex my fingers and shake out my hands as if I'm knowingly going to burn myself with the first touch. "You're welcome to change into a robe, or you can stay dressed. Up to you."

"I'll put on a robe since I'll go next."

Piper is lying on the table, and the sheet covers her butt, exposing her full back—her muscular back with exactly ten little beauty marks.

A vivid memory flashes before me of lying next to her at the Ritz in Istanbul, teasing her about how I could make constellations on her back. I traced my fingertips from one beauty mark to the other, making up names of stars until she was on to me. She turned over, laughing when she realized nothing I was saying was factual, and we made slow, lazy love.

"Ok," I exhale. "Ok." I pull the sheet high on her back, followed by a Velveteen blanket. "We'll start by placing our hands on Piper's back with the blanket between us and her skin." I demonstrate for Tess. "Piper, take three deep breaths and relax into the table." I spread my hands across her back, right hand traveling up to her shoulder; left hand moving towards her butt. I remove my hands and encourage Tess to give it a try.

I can't believe I'm encouraging another woman to touch Piper. It takes all my strength not to run out of the room, hands balled into fists and tears streaming down my face. At first, I can't watch Tess' hands on her, and then I remind myself to breathe into the moment—it's a _massage_. There should be nothing personal—nothing sexual—about this.

My hands don't tremble until it's time to place them on Piper's bare skin. I pull the blanket and sheet back, tucking the edges under her hips, and my thumb skims her side. Piper flinches. I take a deep breath, and Tess wants to know if she's supposed to _breathe like me_.

"Yes," I lie.

"We're going to start with long, sweeping motions." I leave my fingers splayed on her back until they stop quivering. I even close my eyes for a moment to try getting my thoughts and feelings under control.

My mind is on overdrive as I consider what it means to touch her in what should be a totally clinical way, yet I can't help remembering the way things used to be. I had total access to Piper's body, and now, I'm only her massage therapist. It's difficult to wrap my brain around this new role. Although I've touched her a million times, this time, she's not mine.

"Find the tender muscle next to her spine and run your thumb up each side." I do exactly as I instruct. "Apply just enough pressure to watch the skin indent like this."

Tess rolls her thumb up the other side.

The song playing in the background, _Elegy_ , is one of the most emotionally stirring songs on my playlist. There's a violin playing while a woman chants. It's almost mournful—like a yearning call that's never answered. I get so lost in the music and touching Piper that for several minutes, I forget Tess is there.

"Am I supposed to touch her like that?"

My head snaps up. "Hmm?"

"Am I supposed to touch her like that?" she repeats.

I gulp. "Yeah, sorry."

Piper's skin prickles when her girlfriend touches her. Tess' hands are thin and boney. They look cold, and I wonder if that's why Piper's body reacts as it does. My hands are strong and thick, and I can sense that Piper recognizes the difference in our touch.

"If you rub up here, you can feel the tension," I explain. "Feel that?"

She nods.

"You can use your fingers or your elbow if it feels like she needs the additional pressure." I place my elbow on the soft tissue beneath her shoulder blade. "Make a motion like this, slowly pressing your elbow deeply into her skin and bending your arm." I return my attention to Piper's back. "How does that feel?"

"Incredible."

Tess follows directions.

"A little harder on the left," Piper says.

That's Tess' side, so I remind her that she can apply significant pressure without hurting Piper. "If there's trust between you, she'll tell you if you're being too rough."

 _Piper liked it rough when the occasion was right_.

"We'll move down the spinal column again, this time with the elbow." I spend the next 20 minutes massaging Piper, trying to remember to let Tess know how to proceed. It's not easy as my fingers, arm and elbow travel across her soft, familiar skin.

We move to her lower body, and I tuck the sheet under her once again. Her legs have always been strong, after all, she's a runner. Her hamstrings are tight, so I pay special attention to them, letting Tess know where to put her hands. My own travel further up her inner thigh than usual, and a little sound escapes Piper's mouth.

"Flip onto your back when you're ready." I hold the sheet high and tight and look away as I would with any client. Out of the corner of my eye, I see the side of her right breast. I feel wetness pool in my center. This has never happened in all the time I've been giving massages—not even when Kaia was the client.

"Begin up here and rub her face and head like this." I press her temples, massage her eyebrows, and then hit the pressure points on her forehead. "Go ahead."

Tess does the same. I show her how to massage Piper's chest, and my fingers dip into the sheet by a mere half-inch. I feel the fatty tissue of her breast, and again, wetness pools in my center and I swallow hard.

"We'll end with her arms. Go on that side, and we'll each do one." I demonstrate how to rub her biceps and forearm, and finally, her hands. While Tess is watching what she's doing to her girlfriend, I link my fingers with Piper's. She squeezes my hand, rubbing her thumb across the back of mine. It only lasts a few seconds, but I know Piper knows what she's doing—whose hand she's holding.

I expected a physical reaction to touching Piper, but I didn't expect such an intense emotional one. Touch really is more than a surface-level feeling, and that has never proven truer than in this moment. Despite our differences, Piper and I had a deep connection that extended beyond the physical, and when I consider how connected we still seem to be, I nearly lose my shit.

I wrap up the massage and leave the hut for a moment to control my breathing and my thoughts. My chest heaves in and out, and I hope Piper, and especially Tess, couldn't detect how anxious I was.

The women switch positions, and I'm left standing across from Piper, who is looking at me with such sorrow and yearning, I can almost _feel_ her inner-battle.

"Are you comfortable?"

Tess says, _yes_ , and Piper shakes her head, mouthing, _no_. Her eyes hang low and pool with tears as if she's watching something die.

I reach one hand out to cup her cheek, rubbing the pad of my thumb against her soft skin. "I'm sorry," I mouth.

Her fingers wrap around my wrist as she closes her eyes and leans into my touch. It's all I can do not to run out of there with Piper and never look back. Those sinking feelings of _loss_ and _longing_ swoop over me, and my heart is in my gut. I have no doubt we're experiencing the same agony.

I eventually pull it together enough to walk Piper through the steps that I showed Tess, and I try like hell to be as technical as possible. I don't like touching Tess' body. I also don't like watching Piper touch it. The only saving grace is that Piper is being as clinical as I am. There's no tender caress, no lingering fingertips—it's all business. I don't know the intricacies of their relationship, but if I had to guess, I would say it's not all sunshine and roses.

By the end of the massage, I can't wait for them to leave. Well, I can't wait for Tess to leave. I'd like Piper to stay so I can get rid of the ache between my legs. That's the physical desire coming through, but there's still the emotional pull, too, which I don't pretend to ignore. How have I become this drawn to her in such a short amount of time? Who am I kidding—I will probably always be attracted to her body, her mind, her way with words, her intensity.

"Wow, I loved it," Tess reports. "You?"

Piper nods. "We should head to that workshop we talked about this morning. I don't want to be late."

"Thank you, Alex." Tess smiles.

Piper doesn't. "Thanks."

The two of them exit the massage hut, and I crumble to the ground. My knees are bent, head in my hands. I take a few breaths, but they sound like pants.

I don't know how long I'm in that position before I hear my name.

I quickly get to my feet and turn to see who's calling me.

"Thought I'd see if you wanted to go for a walk?" Kaia comes in. "I need to clear my head."

I debate whether I should walk with her or be alone, but I know she's waiting for a response, so I have to answer quickly.

"Just give me a minute to clean up." I tug the bedsheets off. "Wait for me down by the beach?"

"Ok."

I'm not sure how long I can keep this up. My feelings for Piper have resurfaced in a fierce way. I should have known this would happen. We have too much history and _far too much_ chemistry for things to be platonic. The old Alex would've taken pleasure in breaking the couple up, but I don't want to come between Piper and Tess. That wouldn't be fair to any of us.

I need to avoid being alone with her at all costs.

* * *

Author's note: I reviewed this scene at least ten times over the last month, making sure I painted a picture of conflict and yearning. Crossing my fingers that I did it justice. If you're so inclined, listen to the song, _Elegy_ by Lisa Gerrard & Patrick Cassidy while reading the massage scene. It influenced my writing in a big way.


	6. Chapter 6

Author's note: Happy Friday! This will probably be the only time I post two days in a row, so I hope you enjoy!

* * *

Thursday afternoons are always reserved for self-reflection time at The Waters, and no programming is scheduled for four hours. Upon check-in, every guest receives a contemplation folder, which contains, among other things, a list of questions for guests to ponder after they've spent four days at the retreat center. Some people choose to meditate during that time, some journal, some take long walks and some take a dip in the baths. After the week-long retreat is over, many people comment that this self-reflection time is the most transformative part of their stay. All employees get that time off, too, and I usually make the most of it by cleaning our cabin, gardening or doing a little self-reflection of my own.

After my walk with Kaia, I need some space. Her company was enjoyable for our 20-minute trek, but I'm so fucking conflicted about Piper. I'm not sure how to process what happened between us today. Clearly, we both felt something stir within us, but instead of an overwhelming sense of joy, it was an overwhelming sense of sadness. Surely, we don't have a shot at love a third time around. Besides, Piper has a _partner_.

I have too much pent-up energy to sit still. When I get like this, which isn't often, the only thing that helps is strenuous physical activity. A few of the guys in the kitchen were talking about the waves today, which put the thought of surfing in my head.

I learned to surf within the first few weeks of moving here. I didn't become good at it until well over a year, but now, I try to get out there as often as possible, which typically means once or twice a month.

If I time it right, I can catch the waves for an hour before the sun sets. I put my wet suit halfway on with a waterproof long-sleeved shirt and a fleece jacket and make my way across the lawn to the other side of the property where we have a shed with all sorts of gear. Most guests don't go in the ocean during the winter months, but in the summer, we offer beginner surfing workshops as part of a retreat package. With a name like _The Waters_ , we take advantage of every opportunity we can to expose guests to the healing properties of the ocean, hot springs and wading pools.

As I walk down the pathway leading to the beach, I hear my name, and I recognize her voice without having to turn around.

Piper approaches me with damp hair and a towel strung around her neck. "Hi." Unlike yesterday when she was waiting for me in the bushes, this time, we've stumbled upon each other by chance.

"Hey." The first thing I need to do is clear the air. "About this afternoon…" I say at the same time she says, "The massages today were…"

"You first," we say simultaneously, causing both of us to smile.

I'm reminded again of how connected we are.

I shove my glasses higher upon my nose. "Please, go ahead."

"I was just going to say…" Piper's eyes shift, and I wonder if she's changed her mind about what she was originally going to say. "I'm sorry Tess put us in that situation. If I had known…" She does this little thing with her mouth and looks away, hand on the back of her neck.

"How could you have known?" I raise my shoulders, wanting to ask if she felt the same misery that I did. I _know_ she felt it—I don't need to ask. I also want to ask, _why are we avoiding a discussion about our feelings?_ Instead, what comes out of my mouth is, "I hope Tess didn't detect anything weird."

Piper stares at me again, but neither of us opens Pandora's box. "I don't think she did."

We're smart women—we know our emotions got the best of us today and judging from the look on her face and the avoidance of taking the conversation any further down the rabbit hole, she wants to change the subject.

I look at my feet. "I was unprofessional, and I owe you an apology." I lift my head and wait for her response, hoping she replies with something like, " _I enjoyed it_." That would give me the courage to bring up my feelings.

"You don't need to apologize." She takes a deep breath, like she's as frustrated as I am that we can't face the truth. She furrows her brow and redirects the conversation. "Where are you headed?"

I start walking again and the path changes from gravel to sand. "Surfing."

"You surf?"

"It would be silly not to with the ocean at my front door," I chuckle, trying to move things into a lighter, less awkward direction now that the moment has passed. "Were you in the hot springs?"

"Yeah." She nods, continuing down the trail with me until we get to the shed. "I want to go with you."

"Surfing?" I laugh. "Since when do _you_ surf?"

"I did that half-day surf camp when we were in Acapulco," she offers.

That immediately brings my hidden photograph of us to mind, and my expression shifts.

Piper can sense something is amiss. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing." I shake my head and unlock the shed. "It's just…the only picture I have of us is from that tequila bar in Acapulco with the mechanical bull."

"Oh." She looks surprised, and then the muscles in her face relax. "That was a good trip."

"It was." I smile, wondering if Piper remembers the copious amounts of sex we had back then. I think Acapulco was when we had elevator sex…or was that in Phuket?

"I took another lesson a few months later at The Bubble in Fuerteventura," she adds.

"The Canary Islands?" We'd only spent two or three days there, and I remember being too busy to enjoy the beautiful beaches. I was also too busy to entertain Piper on that trip, which was a month or so before our relationship ended in Paris.

She nods. "That was where the locals didn't want to give visitors a turn on 'their' wave."

"Dicks."

She chuckles.

I open the shed, trying to think quickly how to move on from here. I don't think spending time with Piper is a good idea because of my recently re-discovered feelings, nor do I think it's good for Piper and her relationship with Tess. Despite this, I can't ask her to leave—I don't have that level of discipline when it comes to her.

I pull a surfboard out, leaning it against the exterior of the shed. "You really want to do this?"

"Yeah." She tosses her towel onto a stump. "Is there a wetsuit I can borrow?"

I go back into the shed and look through the ten or so wetsuits hanging on the rack. "Try this one."

She steps inside and undresses, while I stand to the side and watch, paralyzed by her every move even though nothing about her stripping is meant to be sexual. Once again, I'm struck by Piper's natural beauty. Her stomach is tight, and her bikini bottom hangs several inches below her belly button. I can't see a trace of pubic hair, which means she must still groom. That was always something important to her—having a close shave or the occasional Brazilian. I used to love it.

I _do_ love it.

She shrugs into the neoprene suit. "Will you teach me the basics again?"

"Yeah." I pull out a pair of water boots that will likely fit her, and then hand her a few other essential items so she doesn't get hypothermia in the frigid ocean.

She turns to the side. "Will you zip me?"

She doesn't need me to zip her wetsuit—the cord is made so that the person wearing it can easily tug it up or down. Piper knows this; she wants me close to her. I won't miss the chance to touch her even though a danger sign is flashing in my mind.

I slowly zip the back, brushing Piper's hair aside with one hand and leaning in to smell her. If water has a scent, that's what she smells like. After it's zipped, I run my hands from her shoulders to her elbows.

Piper turns her head to the side, watching one of my hands travel down her arm. We're only fooling ourselves if we think every touch, every look doesn't mean something. We've been drawn to each other since the day she arrived, and no matter how hard we try, we can't deny our attraction. We ignore it, which I can't decide if it's for the best or if we're delaying the inevitable.

I take a deep breath before removing my hands. "You're good at yoga, so surfing should be pretty easy." I lay flat on the board in the sand and show her the proper way to stand. "Grip the board with your toes and keep your knees bent. Use your arms to help you balance. You can swivel your waist to maneuver once you're on a wave."

She replicates my motions. "Like this?"

"Keep your stomach tight and shoulders back." I put my hand on her flat belly. "Just like that."

"Got it."

"Good." I tuck my board under my arm, and Piper does the same as we make our way down the hill. This is good—it's platonic. Maybe we _can_ be friends after all. "If you find yourself heading towards those rocks, point your board the other way."

She nods.

"The water is just above freezing." I pull on my hood, and then Velcro the straps on my gloves. "Make sure all your skin is covered." I walk over to Piper, adjusting her hood to ensure a tight fit. "Ready?"

She looks adorable all suited up. "Can I watch you from here first?"

I grin. "Yeah." I jog into the ocean with my board, and then paddle a good 30 yards out. The cold water is exhilarating against my face. I needed that sudden shock to remind me to stop touching Piper the way I have been since the massage earlier today. It's going to be damn near impossible—my body is drawn to hers like a moth to a flame.

I let three waves pass, and on the fourth, I paddle, and then stand. It's a small, easy wave, so I concentrate on my technique so that Piper can pick up on it.

She claps, big smile on her face. "You did it!"

I'd forgotten how good it feels like to be the recipient of Piper's praise. I'll catch waves all day if it means I get to see her smile at me like that. I paddle back out, and when I get about where I was for the first run, she's only a few feet behind.

"I'm nervous."

"It's ok to fall." I make sure her ankle strap is secure. "Just make sure your head is away from the board."

She lets out an anxious breath. "Ok."

"Get after it, Pipes."

She lets a couple of waves go by, and then takes a relatively big one, keeps her balance for about five seconds, and then plunges into the water. "Ah!" she screams, but it's not a scream of pain.

I watch her spit water out and get her bearings. "Not bad!"

She paddles back and tries three more times before she's able to stand for a solid 10 seconds.

I lay flat on my board, ready to take my turn. "You've got the hang of it now."

"I think so." Piper sits up, straddling the board. "I want to watch you again."

"For my perfect technique or to get a view of my ass in this wetsuit?" I can't help flirting just a bit.

She smirks. "Both."

 _Fuck_ , she knows how to turn me on.

We continue surfing until the sun is minutes away from setting. Piper gets better with every run, and it reminds me how strong she is. Though she never stays upright for longer than 20 seconds, she's maneuvering her board exceptionally well, thanks to her stomach muscles, which I'm sure are rippling right about now. What I wouldn't give to run my hands across them, continuing down to the waistband of her bikini.

I turn away for a moment and realize the sun is just about to set. "Stop for a minute." I paddle on my stomach towards her, grabbing the side of her longboard. "Look at that."

She follows my gaze. "Wow."

As the waves roll gently beneath us, I overlap the edge of our boards and put my arm over her back just above her butt. She looks at me, tender smile on her face, which is refreshing after the hurt I saw on it in the massage hut.

I can't help what comes out of my mouth next. "You are so beautiful."

Her eyes flicker, and she opens her mouth to say something, but a rogue wave flips us over. We resurface, laughing at the unexpected interruption. Maybe that was a sign I should keep my thoughts to myself.

"Is it just me, or has the wind picked up?" Piper asks, crawling back onto her board.

"I think it has. Once the sun goes down, it's dangerous out here." I angle my surfboard towards the beach. "Wanna take one more wave?"

Piper catches the next one, and it's her best effort yet.

I raise my arms and cheer for her as she walks to the shore. I wait another three waves before taking a decent sized one in, but it's hardly what I'd call shredding.

"You're really good." Piper raises her board above her head.

"Years of practice." I meet her on the beach. "You should see some of the other employees here. One guy, Juan, takes the month of September off and does a competition circuit."

"He must be fun to watch."

We're both moderately out of breath as we make our way back to the shed.

" _That_ was a workout." She puts her board next to mine. "I'm going to be sore tomorrow."

I smirk. "I might know someone who could give you a massage."

"A private one this time?" She grins, pulling the neoprene off her body as goosebumps form in the cold air.

 _Good God_ , there is no way I can give her a massage without touching her inappropriately. She has to know what she's doing to me.

"Want to hit the hot springs?"

"Um, yeah." I hope she can hear the hesitancy in my tone. While I'd love nothing more than spending the rest of the evening with her, I know we shouldn't. We passed questionable territory earlier today and are headed for Extreme Danger Zone.

After rinsing the wetsuits with fresh water, we hang them back in the shed. I have on waterproof leggings, so instead of walking around in my wetsuit, I leave it there to dry.

"Thanks for reminding me how fun surfing is." She dries her hair with her towel. "I need to do it more often."

"In New York?" I chuckle.

"When I go on vacation."

I lock the shed, and then walk with her to the hot springs. I'm surprised no one is around. On one hand, I'm relieved in case something happens between us, but on the other, I wish there were at least a couple of guests in the springs who would keep me in check.

Piper has been going on and on about places she's visited in the last few years where she could have surfed. I'm only half listening—it's not like she's waiting for a response. I remember her talking about things like this all the time and how much it used to tickle me. I'd let her talk until she had nothing else to say on the matter, and then I'd grin at her, asking, " _Are you finished_?" She'd shoot me a look or throw something at me, somewhat annoyed, but I'd remind her how adorable her rants were to me, which would usually lead to kissing or sex.

It's been a long time since I haven't trusted myself, and it frightens me. I don't want to revert to my old ways—my old self. I've done far too much work on who I am today to piss it all away because of my lustful thoughts. I can _think_ about Piper in a sexual way, but I can't act on it, which brings me back to my original idea of staying away from her. I know that would be best for us, but it's _so fucking hard_.

Especially when she slinks into the hot springs in her bikini and I get to see all that pure, smooth flesh again. I was right about her toned stomach—her muscles slightly ripple after the strenuous activity of surfing. I join her in the spring, sitting as far away as possible without provoking her to comment on our distance. I need a way out of this, and I think I know what it'll take to make Piper leave.

"Where's Tess this afternoon?"

As expected, her shoulders tense and she averts her eyes. "She was journaling when I left."

"Are you going to tell her we went surfing?" I hate that I'm acting this way; I've never been passive, but I can't force myself to tell her that being alone with her is a bad idea. What's wrong with me? I'd give anything for a little of the old Alex to resurface right about now.

She shrugs, eyes still trained on the water. "Maybe."

My stomach growls, reminding me, "It's almost dinner."

"I guess it is." She seems to have picked up on my shift in attitude. "I guess I should head back." Piper steps out of the hot springs and wraps her body in the towel.

I can't pretend not to be attracted to her any longer. I'm afraid I'll throw caution to the wind and make a big mistake. What would kissing her solve? It would ease my physical ache and be euphoric for a few minutes, but to what end? If Piper wants to kiss or have some sort of physical dalliance, she's going to have to make a move. The last thing I want is for her to accuse me of overstepping. Flirting is one thing, acting on my feelings is another.

She zips her jacket. "Maybe I'll see you at dinner."

"I'm actually going to eat at home tonight." I'm glad the steam rising from the springs mostly hides my face—I don't want her to see how sad it makes me to let her go. "Have a good night."

Piper gives me a thin smile. "You, too."

I hated every minute of that.

* * *

Author's Note: While I was super happy with chapter five, this one, not so much. I wrote the entire story without the surfing scene, but I felt like it was missing something, so I added it a week ago. After tweaking it several times, I'm not sure I hit the mark. Is it flat? Did I make Alex too much of a pussy? Is Piper playing with fire and disrespecting Tess? Ugh. I'm prepared for some flames.


	7. Chapter 7

Once Piper is out of sight, I take the long way back to my house and immediately jump in the shower. I'm tired of thinking about what to do about her, so I force my thoughts in a different direction—something that doesn't require a lot of brain power. Dinner. What do I want to eat (besides the cheeseburger I've been craving)? Maybe I'll make a veggie omelet or homemade guacamole. I bought blue corn tortilla chips at the grocery store the other day.

I get out of the shower, feeling clean and a little more relaxed and walk into the kitchen only to stare at the avocado, garlic and lime, wishing the guacamole could just magically appear. It's too much work for the mood I'm in, so I put a few slices of Manchego on a plate with a bunch of grapes and some cashews, and then sit on the porch swing, listening to the wind chime in a nearby tree. Every time a thought of Piper wafts into my head, I shake it off, enjoying the present moment with all of my senses.

There's a tradition among employees at The Waters when there's a full moon: someone always hosts a party. The only time I drink alcohol is when I'm at those events. I've only gotten drunk a handful of times at the mercy of Kat and her moonshine or one of the other workers' home brewed beer. I don't feel like boozing it up tonight—that would only serve to cloud my judgement. Then again, maybe I need to get inebriated to forget about Piper if only for a few hours.

"If you change your mind, we'll be at Kat's until midnight." Kaia steps outside, buttoning her coat. She seems to need one of those nights when she lets loose. She's fun when she drinks just the right amount, but when she overserves herself, she gets clingy and moody. I don't have the energy to deal with _that_ Kaia tonight.

"Ok." I extend my plate towards her. "Want some?"

She shakes her head. "Kat is making vegan nachos."

"Vegan nachos?" I let out a small chuckle at such a vile dish. "I didn't know that was even possible."

I eat my pseudo-dinner until it gets too cold to sit outside. I've gone from feeling relaxed to feeling restless—something I haven't experienced since coming to The Waters. No matter how hard I try, my thoughts return to Piper every few minutes, and I need to do something about it other than pace in the living room or listen to soothing music. I try journaling, but my concentration is shot. There's a knot in my stomach that I'd hoped was from not eating enough today, but now that my belly is full, I know it's related to my restlessness.

I give up on writing in my journal and make an important decision: I need to tell Piper we shouldn't see each other for her last day and a half at The Waters. Yes, _that_ will put my mind at ease.

The guests' self-reflection time ended at dinner, and programming for the evening has begun. I scan my printout of activities to see if I can guess where she is right now. She's probably not at the drum circle or hanging out by the firepit. I doubt she's taking a yoga class or learning how to make healthy desserts. She might be at the poetry reading; I'll check it out.

Before leaving the cabin, I contemplate digging my scarf and gloves out of the bin, but that sounds like too much work, so I shrug into my coat and head back to campus. The moon and stars are shining bright, and I'm reminded of the beauty marks on Piper's back. I smile at the thought, but it doesn't last long.

I'm glad that Piper and I made peace after all these years, and now that I have a clear conscience, I think we should leave well enough alone…unless _she_ wants something different, but that seems impossible, considering she's here with her girlfriend.

"Beautiful night for a walk." I'm surprised to see Tess approaching me.

"It is."

She's all bundled up. "I'm going on the nighttime nature hike. Care to join me?"

"Is Piper going with you?" I can't help myself.

"No, she's at the Writer's Journey workshop. She said she might me us halfway," she replies. "With Piper's sense of direction, I doubt she'll find us."

That earns a chuckle.

"I was coming to tell her about a special yoga session tomorrow morning on the beach. It's a pretty awesome experience." It's a handy excuse that's also factual. Tess doesn't need to know that's not my only motivation for seeking out Piper.

"She'd probably like that. I keep telling her she should teach a yoga class in her spare time." Tess smiles. "I need to run back to grab my headlamp." We reach their cabin. "It's cold out here. Do you want to wait for her inside?"

This is too easy. "Yeah, that would be great."

They're staying in one of the three private suites nestled behind the vegetable garden and perched at the cliff's edge. I've only been in a suite twice—once when I took my initial tour of the property and a second time as a guest of Kaia's brother who frequents The Waters.

As soon as I step inside, I can smell Piper. Her scent is mingled with an unfamiliar one, which I'm assuming is Tess' perfume or lotion or some other scented thing I'm equally disinterested in.

"Found it." She grabs the head lamp. "Piper said she'd come back to the room after the workshop, so I would expect her soon."

I stand in front of the bay window. "If she's not back in the next few minutes, I'll take off."

"I'll let her know about the yoga thing if that's the case. See ya." Tess closes the door behind her.

As soon as she leaves, I explore the cabin. There's a wood stove in the living room, a master bedroom off to the left that I only peek into—I don't want to see an unmade bed that Tess and Piper share—a sleeping loft, full kitchen, and a private redwood deck overlooking the Pacific.

Being in her private suite feels a little creepy, and I know Piper wouldn't approve, but her girlfriend is the one who suggested it. As much as I want to, I don't snoop around (the old me would've snooped until hearing a key in the door). I do, however, see Piper's green bikini drying on the back of a kitchen chair. I pick up the bottom and smell it, closing my eyes at the once familiar scent of her. I trade the bikini for a cup of cold, half-consumed tea that someone abandoned hours ago. I smell it, knowing instantly it was Piper's mint tea—her favorite. I don't see anything else of interest in the kitchen, so I sit in an armchair and look out to the ocean. It's too dark to see, but it's still a beautiful view into nothingness over the cliff.

" _Alex_?"

I stand as if I've been caught robbing the place. "Hi."

She glances from side to side, brows creased. "Where's Tess?"

"I killed her."

Her expression shifts from confusion to horror.

"I'm kidding, Pipes," I chuckle. So much for my attempt at lightening the mood. "Tess let me in."

She gives me a skeptical look.

"She bumped into me as I was walking across the lawn, and I told her I was looking for you to tell you about a special yoga thing tomorrow."

She still looks confused, but I press on. "Tess forgot her head lamp for the night hike, and she invited me to wait inside instead of shivering in the cold."

Finally, her shoulders lower and I think she believes me. "It's not that cold outside."

"It's in the mid-50s," I try.

She shuts the door and walks a few feet into the cabin and sets her journal on the side table. "What's this yoga thing you came to tell me about?"

I'm not surprised that I caught Piper off guard by showing up in her suite, but I _am_ surprised she's acting a bit hostile towards me after our conversation last night and our surfing excursion this afternoon. Maybe she realizes I was trying to brush her off in the hot springs, and she's aggravated with the merry-go-round we seem to be on.

"It's at 7:30 tomorrow morning on the beach." I hope it doesn't sound as much like a desperate excuse as it feels like coming out of my mouth.

She folds her arms, clearly expecting more. " _That's_ what you came to tell me?"

I nod and try to adjust my awkward expression to one of confidence. I probably look like I've just told a lie, and Piper can see right through it.

Her eyebrows shoot up. "Nothing else?"

"That, and…" I pause, trying to find the inner-strength to say what I really came here to tell her. I take a deep breath and force the words out of my mouth. "I don't think we should see each other for the rest of your trip."

"You came here, _in person_ , to tell me we shouldn't see each other?" Her eyebrows remain lifted like there's a stick holding them up. I'm not sure if she has believed anything I've said in the last five minutes. "Doesn't that defeat the purpose?"

"I'm saying from here on out, we shouldn't see each other," I reply pathetically.

"Ok." She opens the door. "Thanks for letting me know about the yoga session."

I'm shocked by the way she's handling this. "That's it?"

Piper shrugs. "Unless there's something else."

Fuck. I didn't expect her to accept that so easily. She knows there's more, and she's daring me to fess up or walk away.

I shut my eyes, quickly examining my own conscience. I believe we shouldn't see each other—that's a fact. But it's only because I want to protect her…because she has a girlfriend. I'm protecting Piper from cheating. _That's_ why we shouldn't see each other.

Oh hell, who am I kidding? I want to see her every minute of every day. I want to bask in the glow of her smile, breathe in the same air, kiss her for all I'm worth, and never let her go. But I can't admit those things; I need to think fast.

I go with the old trick of allowing her to come up with a better answer than what's in my head. "You understand why we shouldn't see each other, right?"

"Sure," she answers. "We don't want to make our girlfriends uncomfortable with a past we've kept hidden for so long."

Her answer is far more insightful than mine would have been.

Now is not the time to tell her that Kaia already knows about our past. She doesn't know _Piper_ was the woman I traveled with, but she knows the story.

"Right." I shuffle towards the door. "I'm glad we're on the same page."

"That's not what you were thinking." She stops me with a hand to my chest. She must have recently dabbed perfume on her wrist; the scent of cherry blossoms wafts to my nose. "I know you…I know that look." She blocks the door, legs slightly spread so I can't leave. "Why don't you think we should see each other, Alex?"

God, I love the way my name sounds, rolling off her tongue. And the scent of her is enough to make me dizzy.

That used to be my role—calling Piper out on her shit. How times have changed. Now I have a dilemma: fess up about why we shouldn't see each other or continue with a half-truth.

I lower my head, opting to be honest. "Close the door."

"With you inside or out?" There's a trace of a smirk; she knows she's won.

I reach over her shoulder and fling the door shut. Now I'm in an interesting position: the door is closed, Piper's back is against it, and I've effectively, yet unintentionally, trapped her.

She's looking up with those big, blue eyes. I place my hand gently on her hip and wait for a reaction.

"We shouldn't be here alone," she says in a low voice, eyes never leaving mine.

"Why not?" I press my body against hers—one hand still on her hip, the other flat against the door next to her head.

"Tess might come back."

That's not the answer I anticipated. I thought she'd say something about not trusting me or herself or maybe that we were crossing a line that shouldn't be crossed. Piper wants to be alone, but not at the expense of her girlfriend walking in on us. This is my chance to be bold. If I don't take it, the moment will pass us by.

"Alright…" I lick my lips. "Do you want to go to my place?"

She flinches, which means game over. She'll request that I leave, and we'll stick to the plan of avoiding each other for the rest of her time here. That's a good thing; after all, it's what I came here to tell her.

But for the third time, Piper surprises me. " _Yes_." Something changes on her face—her eyes are filled with desire, and she's not trying to hide it.

I don't waste any time before grabbing her hand and walking across the lawn in long strides, having no idea if we even shut the cabin door. I don't want to think—I just want to _do_.

She releases my hand and stops walking. "Where's Kaia?"

My momentum has carried me about two feet ahead of her when I turn around. "At a house party. Why?"

"Take me there."

"What?" I breathe out a puff of cold air, confusion settling in. "Why would you want to go to a party with Kaia?" I was hoping we'd be horizontal in less than ten minutes, and now she wants to go to the party? Kill me now.

"I want to see how you live." Piper takes a step forward and grabs my hand in both of hers. "Take me."

I could never resist her. "Fine."

We reach the stone path to the employee housing, and Piper is still holding my hand as we walk through the dense forest. I feel… _complete_ —like I just finished a five-thousand piece puzzle by placing the last piece in the middle.

"How many cabins are back here?"

"Ten," I reply, angling my hand until our fingers entwine. "They're all double or triple occupied, so about 25 of us live on the property."

"Which one is yours?"

"Number eight—right over there." I point to my house, which looks the same as all the others, except it has a porch swing. "We can skip the party if you want."

She shoots me a look, and I know she knows what _I_ would prefer. I'm confident she knows where things would lead if we were alone, too. So, Piper's not ready for sex. I refuse to be sad or upset about this revelation; instead, I choose to be excited about simply being with her and holding her hand.

We pass two small gardens, and Piper reacts to what's growing in one of them. "Is that what I think it is?"

I look down at her. "Do you think it's marijuana?"

"Yes."

I smile. "Then it's exactly what you think it is."

Her face is a combination of fascination and curiosity. I would give anything to categorize her expressions all over again, beginning with this one.

We walk in silence for another minute, and I wonder what's going through her mind. Is she reluctant about going to the party? Is she worried about Tess finding out she's with me? Is she nervous about being with me when Kaia is present? I don't think she's ever met Kaia, so that will be interesting.

She breaks the silence as we approach Kat's cabin. "Do you have a lot of parties back here?"

"Every time there's a full moon," I reply. "It's not your typical party. I mean, there's alcohol, music and pot, but it's more of a…hippie thing than the kinds of parties you're probably used to."

The sound of music reaches us before we get to the house.

"You came!" Kaia smiles broadly and stops strumming her guitar. "Who's this?"

Kaia is high as a kite, which could serve me well in this situation. I put my hand on Piper's lower back instinctively, and then think better of it. "This is Piper. She's one of the guests."

Kaia gives me a look, and I know what she's asking with her eyes— _are you suggesting a threesome_? Little does she know _there's_ _ **no fucking way**_ _I'd share Piper Chapman_. With anyone. Ever. I tighten my jaw and stare her down, hoping my unspoken message is crystal clear.

"Hi, Piper." The other guitarist reaches to shake her hand. "Welcome."

Kat, the flautist and host of the party, greets her with a wide smile. "Were you in my writing workshop earlier this evening?"

"I was," Piper replies. "It was great. I probably wrote 10 or 12 pages in your session alone."

"Glad to hear it," Kat replies. "We're doing a tribute to The Carpenters. Grab an instrument from the bin or sing along if you want."

Piper holds up a hand. "I'm good."

"We're going to get something to drink," I say to Kaia, and then turn my attention to Piper. "Let's go inside." I escort her into the cabin, where another few employees are listening to someone recite a poem about the moon.

She leans over and whispers, "You were right using the word _hippie_ to describe the vibe here."

"Told you." I chuckle. "What do you want to drink? There's Kat's moonshine, which will knock you on your ass pretty quickly or home brewed beer."

"I'll have a beer." Piper's looking around the cabin, and I'm sure she thinks I've taken her in a time machine back to the 1970s. "Are you all anti-grocery store? Everything is homemade."

That elicits another laugh. "You have no idea." I hand her a mug of beer. "If you don't like this one, there's usually another keg out back."

"This is good." She taps her glass against mine.

"Would you rather listen to poetry or The Carpenters?"

She giggles. "Is there a third option?"

"I'm sure there's another group, philosophizing by the campfire." I lead her in that direction with a hand on her elbow, but she stops me.

"Here is fine."

I glance out the front door to see if Kaia is making her way inside, but she's taking a hit from a bong, and I'm grateful she's staying put.

Another orator stands and opens a folded piece of paper. He clears his throat and dives into a poem about Mother Earth.

Piper leans close to me. "On second thought, the campfire sounds good." She runs her hand down my arm until our fingers link and pulls me out the back door. I loved when Piper used to take control, especially when we had sex for the first time at Litchfield. I've never been more surprised or turned on than in that moment.

Exhilaration washes over me at Piper's very touch, though I'm shocked she'd be so bold with Kaia nearby. We reach the campfire where five people are sitting on logs or on the ground. There are two rickety lawn chairs around the outer ring, so I sit in one, Piper in the other.

She crosses her legs. "If I wasn't here with you, what would you be doing?"

"Probably sitting out here, chiming in when I had something to add to the conversation." I put my hand on her knee. "And drinking some hooch."

She laughs, and then is quiet for a moment. She doesn't seem to be listening intently to the conversation. In fact, she seems lost in thought. I watch the reflection of the fire dance across her face, and again, I marvel at how young she looks.

"So, you and Kaia…" she lets it hang in the air.

"Yes?"

"You seemed oddly platonic back there," Piper comments.

I brush a strand of golden hair behind her ear, deciding now is the time to be completely honest. "Kaia and I have an open relationship," I begin. "We were exclusive in the beginning, but we've both changed—grown."

"You're ok with that?"

I smile. "Oddly, yes."

"So, she's not the woman you're going to marry?"

I glance at her mouth. "No."

Piper seems pleased with my answer, and she's trying to contain a smile.

I turn the questions on her. "What about you and Tess?"

That causes her body to tense up. She takes a deep breath and turns her attention back to the fire. "It hasn't been the easiest relationship," she starts. "Over the last year, after I moved in with her, things became even more strained."

I follow her gaze and listen.

"We came to The Waters as sort of a last-ditch effort," Piper admits.

"Has it worked?"

She returns her attention to me, placing one hand on the back of my head. Her eyes are moving like she's reading a book—she's searching. I remain quiet and perfectly still, giving her all the time she needs to reply.

"I'm here with you, so _no,_ it hasn't."

I don't know whether to smile, sigh, frown, or tell her I'm sorry, but my face muscles move on their own, and I feel my lips moving upwards.

"I keep going back to the age-old question…" Piper shakes her head, like she can't understand. "Why do you always feel so inevitable to me?"

I want desperately to answer her with a kiss, but I can't do that here. I won't embarrass Kaia like that. Though everyone knows we have an open relationship, we've never flaunted another woman in front of other people.

I could swim in her blue eyes until I drown. Maybe that's been the problem—I've been afraid of drowning with Piper instead of swimming with her.

"I _really_ want to be alone with you right now," I say in a thick voice.

She nods slowly.

One of the guys sitting around the campfire stands and points down the hill. "Hey, it's the night hikers. Let's run down there and moon them!"

Piper's head snaps to the gaggle of hikers. All we can see in the darkness is eight or nine flashlights or head lamps—we can't make out anyone's faces from this far away.

She stands abruptly as if the spell has broken. "I should go."

" _Now_?" I'm at the height of sexual frustration not to mention a significant moment of truth between us.

"I need to talk to Tess." She lifts my hand, rubbing her thumb against the back of it. "It wouldn't be fair to…to…"

I don't want her to cheat on her girlfriend. Well, in this very moment, I do, but that's selfish. I let out a heavy sigh.

"I'm sorry, Alex." She looks more contrite than I've ever seen, and I know I have to let her go.

I hope she can see the disappointment in my eyes. "Do you want me to walk you back to your suite or something?"

"No, I'll just go down the hill and catch up with them."

I reach into the inside pocket of my coat and pull out a mini-flashlight. "Take this. And be careful."

Piper hugs me, and it's warm and inviting. I can feel her heartbeat even through all the layers of clothing. I don't want her to leave me, but I don't have a choice.


	8. Chapter 8

Author's Note: Originally, I was going to break this into two chapters, but I thought it'd be cruel to make you wait any longer. This chapter is rated M for Mature.

* * *

It's the first morning I've woken up without a smile since Piper's stay at The Waters. Why did I let her back into my life? Couldn't I have ignored her presence? I should never have gone to her cabin to tell her we shouldn't see each other; I set myself up. Her mere existence is a trigger for me. She makes me feel so fucking deeply. Since joining the staff at The Waters, I've worked hard at self-discipline, and all that work went right out the window the moment Piper arrived.

Kaia knocks lightly on my bedroom door. "You awake?"

"Yeah."

She opens the door but doesn't come inside. "Who were you with at the party last night?"

I roll over, hugging my pillow. I'm going to tell her the truth—there's no reason to hide it any more. "Her name is Piper Chapman. She and I knew each other a long time ago."

"She's been here all week?" Kaia looks surprised. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"She's with her girlfriend who doesn't know I exist." I slowly sit up, dangling my legs off the bed. "I didn't want to stir the pot."

"Was she your _lover_?" There's no jealousy in her tone—only surprise.

"Yeah. I mean, she was more than that." I blink up at her. "She's the person I traveled with when I was in the cartel."

Kaia looks shocked. "Wow…I had no idea."

I stand and shuffle to the bathroom.

"Did you rekindle things since she's been around?"

"No." I think twice about my response. "Well, kind of…" I try again. "It's not as clean-cut as a yes or no. There was some unresolved stuff between us, but we cleared the air. We've been hanging out a little, and last night, I thought…" I don't finish that sentence for fear of hurting Kaia.

She stands just outside the bathroom. "You're still attracted to her?"

I look at my gloomy reflection in the mirror and sigh. "Yes."

"Were you worried what I'd think if I knew all this?"

"To some degree, yeah." I turn to face her. "I don't want to fuck things up for any of us."

"Alex?" She puts her hands on my forearms. "We agreed a long time ago that we wouldn't stand in the way of each other's happiness, even if it meant being with other people. I meant it when I said that; I hope you did, too."

I nod. She's a pretty incredible woman.

"So, if that's your future wife out there, by all means…" she trails.

I throw my arms around her and sigh for what feels like the hundredth time. "I don't know what's going to happen but thank you."

"Thank you for being honest with me." She pulls back and smiles softly. "I can cover your first massage if you need to hang back for a bit."

"No, I'll be fine." I try to return her smile.

"Do you want to talk?"

I shake my head. "Not right now."

"If you want to talk or hide or need a break from reality, let me know." She kisses me on the cheek.

"Ok, thanks." I'm blessed to have Kaia in my life; I need to tell her that more often.

* * *

Even if it kills me, I'm staying away from Piper today. She's the one who left last night. I made it pretty clear that I wanted to be alone with her, and she has to know I didn't mean _just to talk_. If she wants to find me, she knows where I work. Maybe I'm being passive, but I'm tired of playing games.

I skip the special yoga session that morning for fear of putting both of us in an awkward position, and I spend the first two hours with clients in the massage hut. Both couples are happy and in love. I needed that kind of positive energy around me this morning.

By noon I'm feeling better, and Kaia joins me in the garden for lunch. Her presence has always been soothing, and I'm never more grateful for her unassuming company than I am now. She asks if I've seen Piper, and I tell her I haven't. She doesn't spend much time on the subject, and I'm guessing it's because she can sense I don't want to discuss it further.

On my way back to the hut, I see Tess walking into the Art Barn. She glances my way but doesn't smile. Either she doesn't see me, or Piper talked to her last night, and it didn't turn out well. I hope they broke up. That's a mean-spirited thing to think, but I'm frustrated as all hell, and my unfiltered thoughts reflect my discontent.

I'm glad my schedule is packed for the rest of the day, and I hold true to my promise not to seek out Piper. Truth be told, I wish she would've come to me, even if it was to say she and Tess decided to press ahead with their relationship. I don't do well without closure—after all, it took me _years_ to cope with no communication from her. If she leaves The Waters without saying goodbye, I'll be exactly where I was eight years ago, but I don't know if I have the stamina to dig myself out of that gaping hole of self-pity again.

This forces me to examine what I _truly_ want from her. Up until now, I've been satisfied with the ball being in Piper's court—let her make the decisions, not me. Then I think about how much I struggled with _allowing_ things to happen in my life rather than _making_ them happen. I don't want to return to that old way of thinking.

I finish my last appointment and take the long way home, giving me time to think. I'd never deny that I want to have sex with Piper—that has and always will remain true. There's too much chemistry between us to ignore. We're good between the sheets— _really_ good. Even in fits of fury, we had incredible sex. I assume the same would be true now.

The question is, would I like more than sex? That's not a realistic question if she's still with Tess. Regardless of her current situation, would I want to be in a committed relationship with Piper? I don't know. We haven't gotten to know each other as much as we could have on this short trip. I like what I've seen so far. She's still smart, inquisitive, open to self-improvement. Hell, she's at the most open-minded, thought provoking retreat center in the country—that counts for something.

I walk down a set of rickety wooden stairs, following the sandy path on the cliff. The view from down here isn't as grand as it is from above, but it's more private. The canopy of trees behind me would conceal me from anyone near the employee cabins, and I like the thought of being out of sight from the human eye. I stop in a place where the sun is glistening across the ocean, but it's not bright enough to make me squint.

As I breathe in the salt air, I think about how close Piper and I were last night—both mentally and physically. I loved having her near me, invading my personal space as only Piper could do. I was ready to take things to the next level, and with us, it might've started out as gentle kisses, but we would've ended up in bed. That's the way it always was between us— _explosive_.

I don't have to know what I want from Piper, though I'd love some clarity for the sake of feeling like I'm in control, but when she leaves The Waters, I'll go back to my normal life. There's nothing wrong with the way I live; in fact, I like it. I'm surrounded by people who heal—people who make others' lives better. This is a great place to be.

I close my eyes, listening to the waves crash against the rocks below. Although it's violent when you think about _waves crashing_ , it's also cathartic. Between the waves crashing, seagulls chirping and the sea breeze blowing my hair off my shoulders, I feel at peace. I'm exactly where I need to be right now.

And then I feel arms glide around me from behind. One slowly rolls around my waist, the other around my shoulders. I don't need to open my eyes to know who's holding me. My pulse increases as I cover each of her hands with my own and breathe in the scent of her. My face remains neutral; I wonder if she's coming to say goodbye.

"Is this a private beach?" she asks, chin propped on my shoulder.

I open my eyes and smile lightly. "Everything around here is private."

"Good," Piper whispers into my ear.

I only have to turn my head slightly to the right to find her lips. They're warm against the chilly air. We kiss briefly—intentionally. Another, and then another peck on the lips like we're rediscovering what kissing each other feels like. I fuse my forehead against hers and swivel my body until we're facing each other, that euphoric feeling pulsating through every vein in my body. Kissing Piper always felt like an out of body experience, and now is no different.

"Are you here to say goodbye?" I ask, fearful of her answer.

She shakes her head. "No."

Relief washes over me, and my whole body relaxes. No matter what she tells me next, it's not going to be a permanent goodbye.

She weaves a hand into my hair. "I had a talk with Tess."

"Yeah?"

"I can't let you go." Piper tilts her chin up, and we kiss again. "Even if it's just for another minute, another hour, another day."

"Is that what you want?" I nip at her lower lip. "A fleeting moment with me for old time's sake?"

"I don't know." She shrugs. "I mean, I want _this_ , but I don't know what I want down the road. I just know it's not Tess." Piper juts her head back and stares at me. "I've never wanted anyone the way I want you, Alex."

I run a hand down the back of her head and smile, elated that she feels the same way as I do. "I know the feeling."

"It's like you've crept into my soul," she whispers.

I kiss her, this time with passion, and it feels so fucking right. "Please tell me this means you'll come back to my place this time."

She smiles. "I thought you'd never ask."

* * *

Kaia isn't home when we arrive. I peek into her bedroom to be sure, but she's not here. I grab Piper's hand, leading her into my bedroom, and we waste no time putting our mouths and hands all over each other. She tastes sweet and salty, and I can't get enough— _I will never get enough_.

I rip her shirt over her head, and she does the same to mine. My right hand covers her breast, and my left travels down her stomach. We don't question where this is headed or why. There's time for slow exploration later—right now, I need Piper's naked body against mine. She pulls her jeans down while I take my pants and underwear off, and somehow, we don't let go of each other. As her hand inches up my belly to my chest, she scratches me with her fingernails, and the mild pain reminds me this is real—I'm not dreaming. Before I have a chance to shimmy down her body, Piper beats me to it. She looks up with her head between my legs. I bend my knees, and she dives in without finesse.

The first lick nearly kills me as my hips buck off the bed. The second and third are equally astonishing. Her face is buried in my pussy with no signs of letting up. I cum quickly, convulsing in her mouth. She kisses my mound, and then rolls up my body until our mouths meet in another fervent kiss.

"Holy fuck," I pant, brushing her hair out of her face.

She nips at my jawline. "I love the way you taste."

I tuck my hands under her armpits, lifting her slightly. She knows how I want to do this. She walks her knees up until they're on either side of my face, and then holds the headboard as I crane my neck forward, nestling my lips between her folds and sucking her clit. Piper lowers her pussy onto my face, and I go to town. I can't breathe, but I don't care. She reaches one hand down to open herself to me, and I smell her. I bury my nose in it for a moment before letting my tongue go to work. I'm able to stick a finger in her opening, and that's all it takes for Piper to scream so loud anyone within the vicinity of my house would hear.

"Don't stop," she demands, making primal sounds that only serve to drive me further over the edge.

She bends her back and is halfway sitting on my chest while her pussy is still attached to my mouth, and somehow she's able to tickle my clit with her fingers. That sends me clear over the edge, and I cry out almost as loudly as her. When we finally come down from two satisfying orgasms, Piper collapses next to me. I cover our worn out bodies with the blanket and snake an arm under her neck.

She snuggles against me like a cat. "I forgot how good sex with you is."

A chuckle escapes. "I didn't."

Piper lets out a tiny laugh of her own.

"I've wanted to do that since I saw you on the first day," I say, looking into her eyes.

"Me, too." She drapes an arm over me. "I couldn't admit it to myself until later. It made me angry that I was still so attracted to you. I _am_ still attracted to you."

I kiss the tip of her nose, gentle smile crossing my lips.

She lifts her head. "I noticed this when we were in the baths." She traces the cursive words tattooed above my heart. " _Living in the breath_. What's it mean?"

"It's the foundation of mindfulness." I turn my head on the pillow and watch her. "It reminds me to transform negative feelings into positive energy."

She blinks up at me, a sense of wonder on her face. "You really have changed."

I kiss her forehead. "I was stuck before coming to The Waters—wallowing in self-pity, guilt, resentment. I blamed other people for the hand that life dealt me. It took me a long time to realize I was the only one who could change myself."

"I'm proud of you." She cranes her neck to kiss me, and it's a sweet, tender, appreciative kiss. "And a little envious—I have a long way to go in terms of self-improvement."

"If you have the will to change, it'll happen." I rub her arm. "It's not like you wake up one day and, _bam_ , you're a new woman—it's a never-ending journey that requires openness and honesty with yourself…and a fuck-ton of meditating."

She lets out a low laugh.

"So, tell me..." I lie on my side, facing her. "What went through your head when we met the other day?"

"I didn't know what to think." Piper exhales. "I was angry with you about the whole Chicago thing, but there was the undeniable attraction."

That earns her a kiss. "Believe me, I know the feeling."

"I couldn't get you off my mind," she admits. "And when you were naked in the baths, well, that was…" she trails off, blushing. "It took all my strength not to ravage you, starting with these." Piper licks my nipple.

"I wanted you so badly," I whisper, smile on my face. "But I knew if I caved to the physical desire, it wouldn't change a thing. We had to talk, air our grievances and get to know each other again if I wanted any sort of future with you." I pause, thinking I might have said too much. "I mean, _future_ as in what would happen 48 hours later—being here, appreciating each other in more than just a carnal way."

"I'm glad we didn't have sex that night, though I _really_ wanted to. This is way better." She runs a hand down my arm until our fingers lock. "After we spent time in the baths, I went back to my cabin and thought of you while I touched myself."

That sends a tingling feeling to my center. "That's hot, Pipes."

She kisses me, and I can sense her desire is revving up again. "I knew I was in trouble when I didn't want to have sex with Tess—I only wanted you. If I couldn't have you in the flesh, the next best thing was my own fantasies."

I snake my hand down to cup her ass, pulling her impossibly close. "I can relate."

We kiss and explore each other's body much more leisurely this time. It still takes me less than ten minutes to cum even with her slightest touch, but I'll work on my stamina some other time. I spread Piper's legs wide and take my sweet time bathing her pussy with my tongue. She writhes beneath me, eventually bucking into my mouth and grabbing my head to show me how she wants it. Without needing to put a finger inside of her, Piper cums hard and loud for the second time.

"God, I love sex with you," she says, arm slung over her forehead.

I crawl back up her body, wiping my mouth on my arm. "We were always good in bed."

She turns on her side, and we lie in silence for a moment. I couldn't wipe the smile off my face if someone offered me a million bucks. This is where I want to be, quite possibly forever.

"Can I get you anything?"

"Like a glass of water for hydration?" she asks with a grin, repeating something she'd said after the first time we had sex.

Another laugh, this one a bit more pronounced. "Water, lemonade, another orgasm?"

"Don't tempt me." I can tell by the weight of her body that she's not ready for a third round.

I hear Kaia enter the cabin and am glad my bedroom door is shut. Until it opens. It's not Kaia.

"You fucking _tramp_!"

"Tess, what are you doing here?" Piper pulls the covers higher and looks stunned.

"I heard you having a fucking orgasm!" I swear there's smoke coming out of her nose like an angry dragon. "We broke up _last night_ , and you couldn't wait 24 hours to fuck Alex?"

"It's not like that." Piper sits up and her shoulders are raised high with tension. "Alex and I have a history—it's not like I jumped into bed with the first woman I saw."

" _We built a life together_ ," Tess yells. "We fucking live together, and you're throwing it all down the drain!"

I silently hand Piper a shirt, which happens to be mine, but that's beside the point right now. She should be clothed for this conversation.

"We've _tried_ to build a life together. It's just not working." She tugs it over her head. "Let's go in the other room to have this discussion." Piper steps out of bed, pulling on her jeans. I guess there's no sense in pointing out that her thong landed on the bookshelf.

"No." Tess stands her ground, still fuming. "No, we'll have this discussion right here in front of your lover."

"I never meant to come between you," I offer. Judging by the stank look on Tess' face, I would've been better off keeping my mouth shut.

" _You_ ," she begins with malice. "You're the reason Piper broke up with me. Did you get off on giving her a massage the other day?"

"No," I lie without further elaboration.

Tess is not looking for answers—she's just letting her anger out to make herself feel better and to make Piper feel like shit.

"Fuck you, bitch!"

Piper approaches Tess, finger in her face. "That's enough!"

I avert my eyes, deciding it would be best to give them the room. I get out of bed, quickly moving into the bathroom where I pray there are a pair of shorts or pants or anything to cover the lower half of my body. For the life of me, I couldn't spot my leggings in the bedroom. Then I remember they're buried under the sheets at the bottom of the bed.

"I'm sorry you walked in on this," I hear Piper say through the half-open bathroom door. "And I'm sorry things didn't work out for us. We tried— _I_ tried, but it wasn't enough."

"You're a slut," Tess says, and I hear a slap.

I step out of the bathroom and see that it was Piper who did the slapping. Tess has her hand on her face, mouth hanging open.

"Get out of my house," I demand in a surprisingly calm voice. "Or things will get very uncomfortable for you in here."

"Is that a threat?" Tess spits. "I thought you were supposed to be all Zen? You wouldn't dare hurt me."

"You have no idea what I'm capable of." I take a step closer, chin high. "And you have about 10 seconds to find out just how unZen-like I can be."

She loses the staring match with me, and then turns her attention to Piper. "I want your shit out of our apartment by tomorrow night."

"I'm staying here, so that will be impossible." Piper's eyes dart my way, as if she's sorry for filling me in about her plan to stay a bit longer like this.

"Eight, seven, six," I count down.

"Then your stuff will be on the curb when you return." Tess turns to walk out. "Fuck both of you!"

Piper's legs seem to give out as she collapses on the edge of the bed, head in her hands.

I didn't want things to end this way. I sit next to her, arm around her shoulders. "I'm sorry."

She shakes her head. "You have nothing to be sorry about."

"We could've waited," I offer.

Piper looks up at me, teary-eyed. "I could hardly wait the moment I saw you."

I pull her into my arms and let her cry. We sit that way for several minutes, until she pulls back.

"All my stuff is still in the suite." Out comes practical Piper. "How am I supposed to get it with _her_ in the room?"

I kiss the top of her head. "I'll get it."

"She might maul you."

"Let her try," I chuckle.

We remain silent for a moment, and Piper finally stands, confused look on her face. "Where do we go from here?"

I shrug. "You're staying a few extra days?"

"Sorry that's how you found out."

"It's ok." I stand, taking her hands. "I'd like that."

"I didn't even check with you to see if I could stay here."

"You can." I smile. "Kaia will be ok with it."

"You're sure?"

I nod. "But if she's not, Kat has a spare bedroom. We can stay there."

She wipes the last of the moisture from her face and looks around the room. " _That's_ where my underwear is." Piper walks over, grabbing the thin piece of material.

"You can borrow a clean pair." I grin. "Want to take a shower?"

"Yeah."

We shower, and of course, she wants to have sex under the hot spray. It's nice to know some things never change. I oblige, though she comments on shower sex not being my favorite, and promises to make it up to me later.

"Is it possible to leave the property for a few hours?" Piper asks.

"That sounds like a great idea." And it does—I leave so infrequently that it would probably be good for me, as well as for us, to get off the grounds. "Do you have any interest in eating a burger?"

"A hamburger?" She shoots me a quizzical look as she puts her clothes back on. "Sure, I guess. Why?"

"Cheeseburger, actually." I shrug into a clean pair of yoga pants. "I've been a vegetarian for the past ten months, and I've been craving a cheeseburger the whole fucking time."

Piper smiles. "I will happily support your meat-eating ways."

"Good." I kiss the top of her head. "I'm going to go get your things, and you can wait here or go to the sanctuary or something."

"I'll wait here." She walks into the living room. "What should I do if Kaia shows up?"

"Tell her you're waiting for me." I shrug. "I'll talk with her as soon as I can about everything. Don't worry, she's not going to go all ape-shit on you like Tess. She's different."

Piper nods. "Ok."

I kiss her once more before heading back to campus.


	9. Chapter 9

I don't knock before entering Tess and Piper's suite. The door is unlocked, so I breeze right in. "You have two options: you can tell me which things are Piper's so I can pack them up or you can watch me throw stuff into a suitcase that may or may not belong to her."

"You think I'm going to help you?" Tess' laugh is bitter. "Dream on."

"Fine." I storm into the bedroom and spot two bags. I know instantly which one belongs to Piper—there's no way she'd own luggage with a Zebra print. As I begin tossing clothing into the bag, Tess barges in.

"You're invading my personal space. I'm calling security."

I chuckle as I scan the closet, picking out the clothes I think belong to Piper. "There's no security here."

"Then I'll call the police." She points to the door. "Get out of my cabin!"

"Just as soon as I'm finished here." I walk into the bathroom and pick up one of the makeup bags and sniff it. Cherry blossoms: this one is definitely Piper's. When I re-enter the bedroom, Tess pulls out two shirts that I'd shoved in the bag.

I open the dresser drawer and take all the clothes out in both arms, dropping them into her suitcase.

"Do you have any idea how much you've ruined in my life?" Tess removes a pair of gray yoga pants and a purple top.

I'm not going to interact with her. She's a woman scorned, and there's no way I'd come out of this on top by engaging with her right now. I search the bedroom for anything else that might belong to Piper, deciding the iPod on the bedside table is probably hers.

" _Do you_?" Tess presses.

I take the overstuffed bag into the living room, tossing in a few more things that look like Piper would own—a cashmere pashmina, an iPad with a pink cover, and a leather-bound journal. I open the journal and can tell Piper's handwriting. I put all these items into another smaller bag that's next to the sofa.

Tess follows me. "Piper and I spent three years together, and it's all going out the window because of you!"

"I'm sorry you're hurting." Finally, I spin around to face her. "I know what it's like to be the recipient of Piper's love. I've had it and lost it twice. I also know when she makes a decision, she stands by it." I pick up both bags, tucking one under my arm and putting the strap of the other over my shoulder. "I hope you can heal from this soon."

She shakes her head. "You're a conniving bitch."

"Have a good life." I walk outside, not bothering to close the door behind me. That went better than expected. At least she didn't try to hit me or block me from entering the bedroom. I just hope I got all of Piper's things.

* * *

Piper stands from her position on the swing. "How'd it go?"

"Not terrible." I set both bags down. "If I didn't grab everything, maybe she'll leave your stuff behind and we can get it after she leaves."

Piper roots through the larger bag. "Did you find my pashmina?"

I nod. "It's in this bag along with an iPad that I hope is yours."

She spots both items. "Thank you." And then hugs me. "Kaia was here a minute ago."

I lift my eyebrows. "Oh?"

"We had a conversation." Piper tugs me towards the swing. "I told her about my breakup and that I might stay here if it was ok with her."

"And?"

"She said I was welcome to stay as long as I wanted," Piper begins. "She's pretty amazing."

"She is." I smile. "Kaia just wants me to be happy. I want the same for her."

"To me, that's what love is."

"We care about each other, and I guess that translates to love, but not really the romantic kind—at least not like this." I drape my arm over her shoulders as we swing. "We've helped each other through some pretty bad times. I'm glad she's in my life."

Piper tangles our fingers together over my shoulder. "Do you think she's in love with you?"

I hold in a chuckle. "I think she's in love with Kat."

" _Oh_. Ok." She rests her head in the crook of my arm. "Why aren't they together?"

"Kat isn't into the ladies."

She lifts her head and juts her chin back. "The woman with the buzz cut playing the flute last night?"

"That's the one."

Piper seems to take it all in. "Huh."

I return to the topic at hand. "Kaia and I believe there are certain people in this world who belong together, and for the two of us, it's more of a practical arrangement. We tried the whole exclusive girlfriend thing for a while, but we're not meant to be together like that. It's like trying on a sweater that you've outgrown—no matter what you do to fix it, it's never going to fit."

"I guess that's what happened to me and Tess. She wanted our relationship to work so badly." She looks at her lap as if she's sorry for having to admit such a realization. "Every time I thought we'd break up, she'd to try to put the pieces back together and come up with a thousand reasons why we owed it to ourselves to try again. Moving in together was the final straw." Piper looks up at me. "I knew we shouldn't have done it, but it has always been difficult to say no to her."

I nod, listening carefully.

"Then I became complacent—lazy even. Tess knew I wasn't happy, so she suggested coming to The Waters back in August. Every argument we got into after that, she'd remind me that we'd fix things in a few months." She shrugs. "And here we are."

"So, this decision to end things with her isn't sudden?" I ask.

That elicits a sad laugh. "Not by a long shot." She pauses before continuing. "I don't know what this means for you and me," Piper admits. "I wonder, and I guess _hope_ , things will be different this time. We're older, wiser, and have a perspective we didn't have all those years ago." She kisses my shoulder. "Like you said, prison can change a person."

"Mmm." I kiss the top of her head.

"On the first day of the retreat, Walter promised we'd find ourselves here. He was right, but for me, it wasn't through workshops or meditation." She looks into my eyes. "Through finding you again, I've found myself."

I'm touched by her sentiment.

"I don't need you to map out your life," Piper continues. "That's something I expected you to do when we were at Litchfield, and it wasn't fair."

"I had no idea what I wanted to do when I got out," I reply, rubbing her arm. "I didn't even know what kinds of jobs I could get with a criminal record and no college degree."

"Looks like you found one that works."

"I love it here." I breathe in the fresh air.

She smiles up at me. "It suits you."

"Thanks. It's not the kind of life everyone would enjoy, but it does something for my whole body that I've never experienced before. There's certainly an emotional healing aspect of working here, but there's also physical satisfaction."

"You mean, giving massages?"

"That's part of it." I shrug. "But I walk everywhere, I do yoga and meditate, I eat healthy foods. All of that contributes to my well-being." I stand and stretch. "Speaking of eating…I'm starving."

Piper smiles. "Want to get that cheeseburger?"

* * *

As we drive up Highway 1, I point out a couple of landmarks. She's fascinated by the terrain around us, which is vastly different from the East Coast.

"Some people say Big Sur is more of a state of mind than an actual place," I offer.

She grins. "Deep."

I laugh at the way she's mocking me.

We arrive at Fernwood Bar & Grill and are seated near the fireplace. I don't even need to look at the menu, except to choose which beer I want. We both order a cheeseburger and fries as well as the lightest beer on tap.

Our conversation picks up from where we left off on the porch, and it's like no time has passed. We communicate well—give and take throughout the conversation. There are no awkward pauses, no having to think about what to say next, and no tripping over words.

I take in a big whiff of the cheeseburger before taking a bite. " _Ohmygod_." I close my eyes and delight in the taste of meat, smothered in American cheese. "This is better than sex."

"Nothing is better than sex with you," she comments.

"You're right: it's a close second." I take another bite. "Damn, it's good."

She dips a fry in ketchup. "Do you think you'll go back to your vegetarian ways after this?"

"Probably. I just needed a cheat day." Another bite, and then another. "Being a vegetarian makes me feel good about what I'm putting in my body. I also don't like the thought of slaughtering animals."

She sips her beer. "True, but I don't think I could give up meat."

"It _is_ delicious." I finally pause after stuffing my face with half the burger. "That was worth every last calorie."

She smiles. "I'm glad."

I sit back, hand on my stomach. "I'm stuffed."

She tosses her napkin over her mostly empty plate. "Are you ready to head back, or do you want to hang out in Big Sur a little longer?"

"I'd love to be off site as long as possible," I reply. "The group at The Waters will leave tomorrow on the 10 a.m. bus, and the more as I can stay away from Tess, the better."

A sad expression crosses Piper's face. "I wish it didn't have to be this way."

I reach across the table, grabbing her hand. "Let's talk about something other than our relationships with other people for the last moments we're away."

Piper nods. "Sounds like a plan."

"How long do you plan to stay here?"

She lifts her shoulders. "That's up to you, really."

"Forever, then." I smile.

"I'll eventually have to go home and pick up all the stuff Tess leaves on the curb," she replies in a joking tone. "I also have a job in New York I have to return to," she sighs. "Maybe two or three more nights with you."

"That's entirely too short." I lift my eyebrows. "There are things I want to do to you that will take weeks."

She laughs. "Sexual things, I hope."

"Yes." I wag my eyebrows at her. "Maybe we should get started now."

She glances around the restaurant. "I wouldn't exactly call this a private place."

"Big Sur has many private places." I stand and wait for her to join me. "Let's go find one."

She takes my hand as we leave. "I'm glad I came here."

"Me, too." I lean over and kiss her, but she pulls me back down for a deeper kiss. "We might have to start this sexual journey in the car." I parked down the hill, and mine is the only vehicle around. I open the back door, indicating I wasn't joking. "Get in, Chapman."

She climbs into the back seat, and I crawl on top of her. Even though we'll only have a few more days together, if this is any indication of the way we'll spend them, it's going to be the most amazing few days of my life.

THE END

* * *

Author's Note: I'm contemplating an epilogue, but if I write one, it'll be another week or so, and it would be short. Thank you for reading and for the reviews!


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